A Day of Reflection

We use our memories to re-live moments just like we use dates to mark days we do not want to forget. When the two intertwine and a certain date triggers those memories, it is amazing how vivid that day becomes all over again every year. I have been re-living this date for 6 years now since July 17th marks a day I will never forget.
Up until July 16th, 2006, I had never thought about or ever had to deal with the concept of my own death. It's kind of one of those things that we all know we have to do someday but we never actually expect it to happen suddenly at any given moment.
I think I always assumed, like most, I would grow old versus dying young, and, certainly, after just giving birth to my son, the thought of death never entered my mind, only life. His life and the life I had just given him. Then, July 17th rolled around...a blood clot...in my lung...that almost killed me.
I obviously survived it, but, this date always becomes a day of reflection for me. I re-live the pain, the fear, the recovery, and the return into my life. I think if I try to forget that it really happened then I am not fully living my life or doing it any justice. I admit, my thoughts have shifted to many different moods over the years, but, I usually come to the same conclusion every year.
I am a survivor, I may always have this awful and painful nerve damage but it is much better than being dead, I am tougher and stronger because of this, I also have a deeper appreciation because of this, and it wasn't my time for a reason. A reason I believe is my children. I am still here for them and because of them and I was also given the gift of bringing another incredible child in my life since then.
I only allow myself every July 17th to feel and think this way. Then, the day ends and so does the memories of it until next year. I know to move forward, I can't keep looking back but I do, once a year, turn around and glance at that day. Feel what I want to feel and, then, say goodbye to the day and those thoughts of what could have been and what it has been since then....

The Chronic Daydreamer

I am a chronic daydreamer. Always have been, and, always will be. The little girl ballsy enough to sit in the front row of the classroom and still gaze out the window...that was me. The restless teenager always rushing everywhere but still stalling when the light turned green because my mind was elsewhere...that was me.
I assumed as I got older and life either got more interesting or challenging, I would have much less time for drifting thoughts, but, I still do...everyday. Those necessary but brief moments where my mind can not only escape, but, dream, has become, well, blissful to me.
I daydream about the same house over and over again with the cozy fireplace and the welcoming front porch on the tree lined street that I hope to be able to find while my kids are still young.
I ponder about my relationships and friendships...why some of them are so significant and others are much more complicated than they should be.
I often reflect about good memories from days gone by....the ones that instantly warm your heart and make you smile. 
Sometimes I pay homage to some loved ones that I will never forget and think about what I hope I said to them enough when I had the chance.
I can be standing in the Louvre or gazing at the mountains or simply listening to the leaves rustle in the camphor tree outside...it doesn't really matter as long as I get those sweet minutes to myself. Then, I usually unnoticed slip back in to my life a little less annoyed and a little more renewed for the everyday hustle and bustle of my chaotic, yet, meaningful life. So, what I seemed to think was a simple distraction has become a characteristic that I not only admit but embrace...the chronic daydreamer....that's me! I wonder where will my mind will take me today?

THAT kind of day

Have you ever had THAT day? THAT kind of day that just throws you so far out of focus that you just cannot seem to find your way back again to before THAT day?

Well, I had THAT day two whole days ago and still find myself a little off kilter until I saw THAT photo hovering above these rambling words of mine. The beautiful message reads "Whatever happens in your life, whatever your pain, remember that God always sends rainbows after the rain."

It always strikes me as odd when you need to find your focus and then you stumble across something just like this. For whatever reason, call it just a random photo, a coincidence or divine intervention, but, it still amazes me when this happens.

My, as the photo calls it, "rain" was seeing my child hurting after a very bizarre and totally unexpected accident. We were walking down the sidewalk in front of his school and did not see an uncovered water meter. He took a step and his small foot fit perfectly inside the exposed hole that none of us saw. He immediately fell forward and crash landed right into an iron pipe protruding out of the ground which hit his forehead and tore his chin open. I just caught him falling out of the corner of my eye and a split second later he was on the ground bleeding.

Why was the cover off the meter? Why didn't I turn around sooner and catch him before he hit the ground? Why did we walk down this sidewalk today and not our usual way home? My mind raced with questions I managed to think but couldn't answer.

Always calm and composed little ole me was suddenly a big ole mess of frazzled nerves. I soon figured out that there is truly nothing worse than seeing your child hurt like that. The kind of hurt you can't hug and kiss away, the kind of hurt that you can't make feel better no matter how hard you try. Just awful. I haven't ever had to really have that feeling and I hope I never will have a reason to again.

Two hours in the E.R. and four stitches later, my little boy was "fixed" and back to his normal self again. In true form for him, he did not cry and he didn't want to talk about it, just fix it and take me home. How could my 5 year old be so much braver than me? Well, I guess it is just called being a mother who simply couldn't handle seeing him that way and not being able to make it all go away.

We went home and the usual rat race began. Homework, dinner time, bath time, story time, bed time, wake up, make the lunches, get the kids to school, go to work , start over again. Today is literally the first day I have had some time to really decompress from it but I felt that unraveled feeling quickly sinking in again and the same questions began to race through my worn out mind.

I have talked to school and city officials about the uncovered water meter. The cover has been attached again, the iron pipe has been buried under a mound of dirt, and after explaining to them that it was more about the lack of safety issue than the medical bill reimbursement, I have decided to file a claim. So, I should feel better about my quick and pro active approach right? BUT that sweet little boy with the stitched up chin that he calls "ropes" just makes me sad and I think I will just feel THAT way until it heals.

However, as I randomly wandered around Facebook tonight, and, saw this photo a friend "liked," it just hit me in a good way. Sometimes, it just feels good to be reminded that there is that rainbow after the rain clears. So, random photo, coincidence or divine intervention, thank you. Thank you for helping this frazzled mom focus again. Now, back to the rat race....

A sneak peek of Autumn, a slight teaser that lasted a mere 3 days, but, oh what a lovely 72 hours it was! Florida is not known for its change of seasons. We usually only have two - Summer and Winter. Leaves go from green to brown and we go from shorts and flip flops to, well, jackets and flips flops!
If Fall and Spring grace their presence in our tropical state, it is usually so brief that it actually puts us in such a euphoric confusion that we quickly question if it was even real....Did this weather even happen?
So, when a cool breeze and noticeably drier air drifted into our town on Saturday, it was an all out celebration! The A/C goes off, the windows go open, and EVERYONE is happy! People are riding bicycles, children are playing outside(....for hours!) and even our aloof neighbors were actually friendly.
So, what is it about that first burst of a new season beginning that literally rejuvenates us into these calm, friendly and happy people? I don't know, but, I wish I could bottle it up and sell it! For now, though, I will try and convince myself that it was real as these unwelcome hot temperatures slyly sneak back in....Oh, Autumn, I love you and please come back soon!

A Mother's Tears

A friend saw a photo of my boys the other day and couldn't believe my youngest was standing (with assistance) in the photo. She commented, "how can he be standing??? He was just born like a minute ago." To her disbelief, I answered, "he is 7 months old already." SEVEN MONTHS OLD ALREADY!!!

How can this be? My baby boy is growing up so fast before my eyes. As he fell asleep in my arms tonight, I found myself tearing up as I gazed down upon him and thought about how fast it is all going by. I am not the kind of person that cries easily and it was not a sobbing kind of a cry, more like a couple of tears that ran down my cheeks. Just enough to sadden me and make me sigh.

I feel myself trying to capture more moments with all of my children because they are growing up so fast, but, with my baby, it is more bittersweet, only simply for the fact that this is my last child. The last one I will hold, the last one I will rock to sleep, and the last one I will watch grow up. Sigh.........

I just celebrated my first Mother's Day with all three of my beautiful boys and it's funny to have a day set aside to honor this bond we share. Not a day goes by that I don't feel honored to be given these wonderful little people that I get to love and raise.

There have been a few people that have touched my heart, but my children have touched my soul. I have made it a habit to catch as many precious moments every day as I can with them and the satisfaction I feel from it is the greatest gift of motherhood. So, there will be more tears of sadness, but, plenty from joy as well.

Catch Me If You Can...9/11/01 - 5/1/11

The last (almost) ten years since 9/11 have been like lighting a fire and watching it slowly burn out....So much rage, anger, fear, sadness, senselessness, sorrow. We were suddenly flooded with so many overwhelming emotions because of such a horrific and inconceivable chain of events. That day wounded our nation, bruised our egos, and scarred our hearts, but, we slowly picked ourselves back up, promised to never forget, and vowed to avenge....someday.

Then, to our surprise, that day came......The Internet, televisions, cell phones, social networks, they all came alive, and, like a wild fire, an unexpected announcement that would stir us all up again, was spread out over the air waves.

The enemy, the monster, the villain, the one man whose name instantly rattled our chains, Usama Bin Laden, was found and killed by our Navy Seals. Just like that, it was over. He was dead. Justice had been served. Our military accomplished, what seemed to be, an impossible mission, for us...for payback...for closure.

I don't know how I feel. My reaction is to rejoice but I know it's not over. I have so much faith in our military, and, if you mess with the USA, well, it may take a matter of time, but, you will not get away with it. However, terrorists breathe in hate the same way we breathe in hope. So, the hope I am feeling now that we are a little safer and stronger as a result of Bin Laden's death, is not so naive as to think that this news is not fueling a fire in a distant land with his supporters who will pick up the reigns and wage their next battle with us.

For now, however, I have decided to keep my mind wrapped around these thoughts:

-The Navy Seal Team Six are AMAZING! They are such an elite group of highly trained soldiers who act out these missions like superheroes to us, but, to them, it's just their job. AMAZING.

-Bin Laden is gone! I will not believe or even entertain any conspiracy theories, rumor mills, gossip, etc...I have no morbid curiosity to see his death photos, I do not doubt what the government has released about the events as they unfolded, and I accept whatever decisions were made as to how and why they killed and disposed of him.

-I am deeply saddened but not surprised as to how people have ignited this as a political issue. I will not solely praise or discredit our president for this and our republican or democratic beliefs should not surface over this. FACT: He is our Commander-in-Chief. He oversees our military and he authorized the kill. FACT: The Navy Seals were assigned this mission and their mission was accomplished. It should not be interpreted any other way and we should not be nit picking right now over who deserves the most credit. They all do and everyone else involved in this chain of command. This extraordinary day should not be a time to remind others that we are all Americans, and, patriotism is a devotion to one's country for no other reason than being a citizen of that country. Appreciate our government AND our military who worked together on this for our nation that we all share.

Last but certainly not least, my thoughts and prayers go out to all of the families and friends of our victims from 9/11. I know this will never bring their loved ones back or even begin to erase their loss, but, I hope this extraordinary announcement brings them some sense of peace tonight.

Thank you Mrs. McAuliffe

Originally posted 9/14/2009 - I am re-posting this in honor of the heroic people who perished on the Space Shuttle Challenger 25 years ago today:


Where were you January 28, 1986 at 11:39 am EST?
I was standing on the grass with the rest of my class staring at a streak in the sky and, not aware just yet, of the impact that image would have on me. That 'streak' was the Space Shuttle Challenger exploding before my eyes. This disaster claimed the lives of: Francis Scobee, Michael Smith, Judith Resnik, Ellison Onizuka, Ronald McNair, Gregory Jarvis, and Christa McAuliffe, a teacher participating in the Teacher In Space Project. I admit I had to look up some of their names, but, it was important to have each and everyone of them here with me as I try to explain how that moment was my first sobering lesson in life.
Minutes earlier, my little catholic school in that sleepy little circus town off the Gulf of Mexico was alive. A perk of living in Florida is being able to, sometimes,view glimpses of the space shuttles launching from the Kennedy Space Center. We also followed this particular one closely since it involved a teacher whose purpose on this voyage was to literally teach us all about "The ultimate field trip" and to relay to us "Where we've been, Where we are going."
I was one of a bunch of giddy students lined up and ready to rush out the door when we got the signal from the principal over the intercom. We were finally allowed to pile out onto the front lawn and watch the space mission make it's mark in history. Our teachers fluttered around us to make sure we were paying attention and looking in the right direction so we didn't miss the moment. Then, it happened...The very visible streak shot up in the clear sky. We were elated that we were able to see it from that little patch of grass so many miles away. Our heads rattled around and the chatter started as the explosion occurred and the trail of smoke split off in different directions across the sky. Our principal,who had been monitoring the launch and the explosion from a TV in her office, awkwardly stepped out and approached the other faculty. Their moods changed and their expressions gave way to our imaginations. We were herded back into our classroom without an immediate explanation while the flaming debris was crashing into the Atlantic Ocean.
The silence broke and the news was released to us and we all sat slumped back in our chairs and I wondered.... Oh, how I wondered! How and why do things like that happen? What was Christa McAuliffe's class' reaction? Did they know something was wrong before it exploded? Unanswered questions just kept pouring into my brain as my thoughts ran deeper than they had ever done before.
Christa McAuliffe perished in the explosion along with everyone else on board. However, she, somehow, in spirit, still managed to teach me this final lesson:
I learned to dream big; I learned there were ordinary people who believed so much in our world that they often put themselves in extraordinary positions for the rest of us; I learned that there weren't always happy endings; I learned that sacrifice was a part of life; I learned recovery was necessary and we must fix things to still keep moving forward; I learned to never forget those moments and that they are to be used as stepping stones to mark who you are and help build the path to where you are going in life. Thank you Mrs. McAuliffe. You taught me more than you will ever know!
So, where were you January 28, 1986 at 11:39 am EST?


Note: Challenger image copied from the following website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Shuttle_Challenger_disaster