I think there can be this common misconception that always putting positive thoughts and actions out into the universe will keep us clear of bad things. Yet, I can't help but notice that some really good people have had to go through a lot of really bad shit making you realize part of life is not fair, no matter what we do.
However, it never ceases to amaze me the strength and perseverance we have as humans to overcome....For every bad thing, we still manage to look for silver linings and, somehow, somewhere, we find them. I've often tried to believe that life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it. When I have had it bad, well, there is always someone that has had it worse, I try and tell myself.
Then, this past May, I noticed a teeny tiny little pinpoint of a spot on my nose that easily bled and wasn't going away. That little spot turned out to be basal cell carcinoma which has robbed me of enjoying my summer with my kids and turned into one dermatologist, one plastic surgeon, two surgeries to remove it all, one surgery to cover the hole that I was left with, and one future surgery to now reconstruct it back into, hopefully, looking like my nose again.
I have had skin cancer before. This is actually my fourth time, so cancer and I are no strangers to each other, but, thankfully, the three others were nothing like this one. If you are wondering how long I had it before I went to the doctor? Not very long at all. I had it biopsied 3 weeks after I first noticed it and removed a month later. I even had a full skin assessment the month before I noticed it but it wasn't visible yet. So, I have always been and was proactive, but, by the time this one surfaced enough for me to see it on the outside, it had already formed a pretty deep and nasty tumor on the inside.
So, back to the 90% of how I can react positively to this depressing and difficult experience. Yes, it was treatable. Yes, it is now gone. Yes, it could have been worse. Yes, I survived you again cancer! However, that other 10%, that allows me to feel sorry for myself, the "why did this happen to me when I try to do everything right?", makes me sit down and look at my nose and think, damn, I've been through a lot of shit and this has definitely been one of them.
They say for every scar, that it proves you are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you; Well, this scar, I'm not quite there yet. It is still very real and raw and not quite done with me, but it will get there too, like the rest of them, and remind me that I did persevere, I did overcome, I did find the silver lining.
