Six down, three to go......in terms of months that I have carried this child and what I have left until his arrival.
I had my 24 week check up yesterday, and, for some reason, the severity of my situation started sneaking up on me again. The baby is fine. More than fine. He is growing on target, his heart rate is strong and he is moving around all of the time. Me, however, well, I am starting to crumble a little.
Blame it on hormones, or, that I may not be as brave as I thought I was, but, the impending birth has gotten me a little unraveled and I am not comfortable letting my demons get the best of me, especially now.
I unfairly told my doctor that, "I need to get through this without any complications this time."
Okay, yes, he is NOT God, and, ultimately, can only do what he has been trained to do, but, it was my way of admitting aloud that my past bad experience with blood clots has put fears in me that I never had before.
My doctor knows me well and is literally one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met, so, as expected, he did his best to reassure me that he is doing everything possible to get me and the baby through this safely.
I left his office reluctantly believing him after his somewhat necessary pep talk, but, I still felt a little uneasy for the rest of the day.
I woke up this morning with a little better outlook on the situation and read something that couldn't have come at a better time.... The Greek Philosopher, Aristotle, believed that "Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil." Hmmm, he may be on to something!
These unsettling emotions I have been feeling has prompted me to ask myself why I am still allowing myself to remain a victim to a painful event of my past? Even more so, why am I letting it distract me from the joy I should be feeling right now about meeting my new son?
So, I have decided that this may FINALLY be my opportunity to free myself of this fear that I have been suppressing for years! I need to GO through this and I need to GET through this to prove to myself that I can have happy endings again.
My final thought that I must keep reminding myself for the next three months is that my blood clot MAY have weakened my courage but it has NOT destroyed my faith!
What demons, if any, are you hiding today?