Monday, February 20, 2017

Fly Free and Shine Bright

"With the darkness comes the rain that soaks the soul and washes away the pain; with the sun comes the rays that warms the spirit and reminds it of better days." I wrote this quote after I woke up one morning after having a rough night. In the midst of tossing and turning and trying to suppress sadness so I could sleep, my mind made up these words and kept repeating them so much that I remembered it enough to write it down upon awakening....and, so, the story of heartache that prompted this:

The words I have not always been able to find with my mouth usually pour through my hands as I type or put pen to paper. However, sometimes and in certain situations, there are no words, no profound statements, nothing that can be said when you are trying to express your sympathies to someone suspended in grief. A grief so deep and suffocating that no words I could possibly find would even be able to help or alleviate in any way that kind of pain.
An incredibly brave boy with golden locks, sparkly eyes, and endless curiosity lost his life to leukemia and took a little piece of all of us with him. His mother, my dear friend, allowed us on his journey and we became a strong village of ongoing support that had believed he would survive and we join together now in the disbelief and devastation that he did not.
His family performed the unimaginable task of burying him this past weekend and somehow accomplished a peaceful, loving, and beautiful transition of giving him back to the world in which he was created. He sleeps within the Earth, under the trees, and with the birds soaring around him. He is free, and, yet, his sweet family is not as they must learn now to live without him.
I can still remember exactly how I felt when my father died from cancer 22 years ago. As much as I was overwhelmingly relieved that his suffering had finally ended, I was immediately suffocated by his absence. His uplifting guidance and his ever present pride he had in me was now quite obviously and unfairly gone. I didn't just love him. I needed him and I knew in that moment that his loss would leave such a huge void inside me which it did. To this day, that void can be found in me in many ways, and, yet, what I have learned with time is that there is a tiny space I can still feel where he has always remained, to not only exist, but, shine and do it so brightly that it draws me in every time. He somehow manages to cast his light. I don't know how but he just does.
That tiny space where we can still connect has guided me to him in vivid dreams since he passed where we can still talk. It gave me a sense of his presence on my wedding day, I didn't just feel it, I undoubtedly knew he was there. I felt comfort in knowing he would guide my sister to him when she passed away, and I see him everyday in my oldest son's eyes. Their undeniable resemblance brings me that visual reminder that he is present in ways I never imagined.
So, I know, even though, the rawness is still too new, this little boy's family will find their way too and their connection to him will be found.
I went to bed last night with thoughts of the blank card sitting on the counter that I have yet to fill and send to them. Trying to compose words in my head through my thoughts and feelings but they did not come in the way that I wanted them too. I was tired and still too sad to do it any justice.
So, I decided to sleep on it. When I awoke this morning, the quote I wrote at the top of the page is what my mind gave me. I laid there saying it over and over again in my head and listening to what it was trying to tell me until it gave me the clarity and inspiration I have been looking for to do what I have been needing to do. I need to connect to the pain they are feeling, not the condolences that I want to give them. There are no words to ease their grief but reminding them that his presence will live on in so many ways is what I can say because I truly know it can be done.
Fly free and shine bright sweet boy.

The Dash - 2024 Edition

 As 2024 approaches, it’s time for me to put  my intentions out there and to use this post to inspire me to keep them throughout the year.  ...