She sat at the back and they said she was shy,
She led from the front and they hated her pride,
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance,
They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,
When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,
They told her they'd listen, then covered their ears,
And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,
And she listened to all of it thinking she should,
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,
But one day she asked what was best for herself,
Instead of trying to please everyone else,
So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,
She spoke to the willow, the elm, and the pine,
And she told them what she'd been told time after time,
She told them she felt she was never enough,
She was either too little or far far too much,
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,
Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs,
And she stopped...and she heard what the trees said to her,
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe.
I have recently found that one of the most important elements in self-healing is making a conscious choice to let go of any unhealthy relationships that have formed and weighed heavily on you and not allowing yourself to regress back to them. Of course, this sounds way easier to do than it actually is but it is so worth it and the rewards of doing it are immense.
Personally, I was never taught about or encouraged to have self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and, more so, I never realized how critical it is to find and maintain inner peace. My upbringing was quite sheltered and with the enormous amounts of dysfunction that existed quite steadily my entire childhood, I was always told to hide the trauma or ignore it. In turn, I learned to suppress it and live around it instead of in it.
As I got older, I realized that everyone had a role and it was my part to be the one that took care of others. Luckily, it came naturally to me, but, there was no room for my needs or even my feelings, for that matter, when I was done taking care of the rest of them. The more I spoke, the less they listened. However, all along the way, I listened to them. I heard and felt every word. I heard, loud and clear, the constant nit-picking and criticism and I felt, always deeply, that no matter what I did it was never enough. I took, what I thought, was the easy way out and I became and remained the girl they wanted me to be as best as I could. I would pick and choose my battles wisely and be the glue that kept it all together all the while sacrificing bits and pieces of myself along the way.
It took longer than it should have to where I am now.....This place of not taking the easy way out anymore, and, instead, evaluating and redefining what is acceptable and what is not. So, why now? Well, quite frankly, it has happened because I let it go too far and allowed myself to get to a horrible point where it had to be done or there was literally going to be nothing left of me. So, here I am. Choosing the hard path to get to self-healing, facing it all head-on, committing to not looking back, only forward, and telling it all here to encourage others to do the same.
Growing accustomed to toxic patterns in relationships is never a good thing. We know this, but, breaking out of an unhealthy cycle and the discipline it takes to not return to it is hard. The guilt, criticism, and hurtfulness slung at you when you start to advocate for yourself can be suffocating but I promise you can breathe through it and retain control of the progress you are making. Find your clearing, stay as long as you need to, turn off those people, embrace the silence, and just breathe.
Empowering myself is foreign to me so beginning this whole journey I am now on of self-awareness and the realization of how my sanity and serenity need to take priority asap, has been difficult. However, clearly explaining the problem, stepping back and out of the relationships for as long as I have needed to, and only opening new conversation that is based on my terms, has been AMAZING! For the first time in my life, I have healthy control over not giving in to the constant pull of enabling that bound me and the purpose of how I can serve others is no longer the whole basis of my relationships with toxic people anymore.
It doesn't matter what you have always been told. If age, experience, or common sense hasn't freed you by now, then, please learn to listen to yourself. Realize your worth, say your dreams out loud, and ask what is best for you? Find your forest, hear the wind whisper, listen to the trees, and dance with the leaves. It will tell you "You can do this! You are worth it! But first, just breathe!"
Fir forest Painting Credit:
Image link: Fir forest - Shishkin - oil painting reproduction - China Oil Painting Gallery
