We use our memories to re-live moments just like we use dates to mark days we do not want to forget. When the two intertwine and a certain date triggers those memories, it is amazing how vivid that day becomes all over again every year. I have been re-living this date for 6 years now since July 17th marks a day I will never forget.
Up until July 16th, 2006, I had never thought about or ever had to deal with the concept of my own death. It's kind of one of those things that we all know we have to do someday but we never actually expect it to happen suddenly at any given moment.
I think I always assumed, like most, I would grow old versus dying young, and, certainly, after just giving birth to my son, the thought of death never entered my mind, only life. His life and the life I had just given him. Then, July 17th rolled around...a blood clot...in my lung...that almost killed me.
I obviously survived it, but, this date always becomes a day of reflection for me. I re-live the pain, the fear, the recovery, and the return into my life. I think if I try to forget that it really happened then I am not fully living my life or doing it any justice. I admit, my thoughts have shifted to many different moods over the years, but, I usually come to the same conclusion every year.
I am a survivor, I may always have this awful and painful nerve damage but it is much better than being dead, I am tougher and stronger because of this, I also have a deeper appreciation because of this, and it wasn't my time for a reason. A reason I believe is my children. I am still here for them and because of them and I was also given the gift of bringing another incredible child in my life since then.
I only allow myself every July 17th to feel and think this way. Then, the day ends and so does the memories of it until next year. I know to move forward, I can't keep looking back but I do, once a year, turn around and glance at that day. Feel what I want to feel and, then, say goodbye to the day and those thoughts of what could have been and what it has been since then....