Scrooges Beware

It is starting to become more evident that the holidays are upon us. That wonderful smell of pine is in the air as the Christmas tree lots have popped up, the twinkling Christmas lights are being strung across every neighborhood in town, the UPS trucks are furiously whirling up and down the streets, and the bell ringers hoping to fill their pots have returned to many stores.
Yet, what I call the "dark side of the season" has returned as well. The shops are crowded, the traffic is backed up, the horns are honking, the profanity is swinging, and that heavy and hostile restlessness that only the holidays can bring is back in full swing too. Apparently Bah Humbug has been replaced with Go F*** Yourselves as I have heard it way more than my oh so delicate ears can seem to handle lately. I mean really!?! Come on, people. We can do better than this. Must we push and shove and honk and yell through the season? This is clearly not the way it should be and here is my own personal solution to all of this negative and unnecessary madness.

Every week, I try to go to church. It is my one whole and sometimes only hour a week where I can reflect, ponder, replenish, and pray. (Yes, mostly in that order) It is like I get to repair and realign myself before crazy Monday rolls around. As I closed my eyes and bowed my head yesterday, I found myself going in a different direction than usual. I thought more about the tension I have been feeling than the joy I am supposed to be filled with this time of year. I mean I am in church surrounded by the real reason for the season, so, I too can do better than this. This is the conclusion I came to for my thoughts and prayers:
I reminded myself to shop small and give more......that a kind gesture or some meaningful quality time is more priceless than anything I can possibly find in a store.
I promised to stay calm and live in the moment instead of getting overwhelmed and distracted by the noise and the crowd.  Whether it's a jam packed holiday parade or Santa making his debut at the mall, we are all there for the same reason. However, impatience skews not only our eyes but the perception of what we are trying to experience.
And lastly, I prayed to live in the moment....see the twinkling lights, hear the angelic music, and most importantly, feel the love more than the loss of our loved ones as we cherish Christmas pasts and make our own memories this Christmas and for those to come. What I do now is what will be remembered to others. Leave them with the same quality of memories that I have been left with to cherish.
The true magic is stored in our hearts and we can either add to it or deplete it. It's our choice. This year, I choose to add it. So, scrooges beware.

Photo Sources:
http://www.picturequotes.com/bah-humbug-quote-18025
http://www.swagbucks.com/?t=i&q=christmas+garlands

Damn you cancer!

I think there can be this common misconception that always putting positive thoughts and actions out into the universe will keep us clear of bad things. Yet, I can't help but notice that some really good people have had to go through a lot of really bad shit making you realize part of life is not fair, no matter what we do.
However, it never ceases to amaze me the strength and perseverance we have as humans to overcome....For every bad thing, we still manage to look for silver linings and, somehow, somewhere, we find them. I've often tried to believe that life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it. When I have had it bad, well, there is always someone that has had it worse, I try and tell myself.
Then, this past May, I noticed a teeny tiny little pinpoint of a spot on my nose that easily bled and wasn't going away. That little spot turned out to be basal cell carcinoma which has robbed me of enjoying my summer with my kids and turned into one dermatologist, one plastic surgeon, two surgeries to remove it all, one surgery to cover the hole that I was left with, and one future surgery to now reconstruct it back into, hopefully, looking like my nose again.
 I have had skin cancer before. This is actually my fourth time, so cancer and I are no strangers to each other, but, thankfully, the three others were nothing like this one. If you are wondering how long I had it before I went to the doctor? Not very long at all. I had it biopsied 3 weeks after I first noticed it and removed a month later. I even had a full skin assessment the month before I noticed it but it wasn't visible yet. So, I have always been and was proactive, but, by the time this one surfaced enough for me to see it on the outside, it had already formed a pretty deep and nasty tumor on the inside.
So, back to the 90% of how I can react positively to this depressing and difficult experience. Yes, it was treatable. Yes, it is now gone. Yes, it could have been worse. Yes, I survived you again cancer! However, that other 10%, that allows me to feel sorry for myself, the "why did this happen to me when I try to do everything right?", makes me sit down and look at my nose and think, damn, I've been through a lot of shit and this has definitely been one of them.
They say for every scar, that it proves you are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you; Well, this scar,  I'm not quite there yet. It is still very real and raw and not quite done with me, but it will get there too, like the rest of them, and remind me that I did persevere, I did overcome, I did find the silver lining.

The True Patriot

 

    Theodore Roosevelt once said,  "Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official." Yet, when you live in a time when people are so consumed with political strife, does the true patriot manage to see beyond it and still exist?
     Every day, our news and social media is flooded with negative reports and remarks about our current government. Our freedom of speech is used to condone the slew of insults being thrown at our president and each other. Then, it turns to everything else. Racism, illegal immigration, breaches of security, environmental concerns....Are our schools safe? Do gun laws need to change? How do you even begin to navigate through these daily (and heavy) doses of scrutiny and maintain your true dedication and belief that this still is the best country to be in?
    However, here it is. Our day is upon us. 4th of July, our Independence Day. Our greatest day to be patriots and show our pride. It rolls around every year and we raise up our American flags, we wear our red, white, and blue, we eat our hot dogs and drink our beer, and we gleefully finish our day with fireworks because, for this given day, we are all patriots. We unite to love our country. We show our American pride. We are happy to be here and nowhere else. I put on these flip flops every year and join right in too. Then, it's July 5th, the flags are taken down, the good vibes wear off, and all of the nasty news and mud slinging is back . One day, it is pride in our country together, the next day it is conviction in our beliefs against each other. If we don't believe in freedom of speech for those we intensely dislike or disagree with, is it possible, then we really don't believe in it at all?
Now, don't get me wrong. I am proud to be an American and I have my own set of beliefs that I appreciate being able to voice, but, it is the lack of respect towards our elected officials and each other's beliefs that I truly have a problem with.
    Part of my patriotism always flourished with sharing our country in the belief that we lived in a extraordinary place where you didn't have to agree with everyone here, but, you did have to respect what all others thought. To me, our country is a melting pot full of different cultures, traditions, and, yes, beliefs, that make us all different but the same in the desire and success to live here and freely practice around each other and not against each other.
   We elect officials. Sometimes we get our way, sometimes we don't, but, contrary to disagreement, they are still your president if you live here and I don't share the belief that if they do not represent our chosen party, it gives us free reign to criticize everything they do. Whether I have voted for them or not, I have supported each and every one of them. I don't have to like them but I do want them to succeed. They succeed, we succeed as a whole.
     So, even though, Mr. Roosevelt, gives free reign to separate the two, I do want to be patriotic AND support my government. I want our country to succeed and flourish but I don't believe it can with the way we inundate ourselves every day with such negativity about our country and the issues we face.
    We abolished slavery, we put a man on the moon, we are a great country! We have a voice, a powerful voice that is commanding and heard near and far, but, I guess, the question I am asking is how do you use your voice? Do you respectfully speak or do you overwhelmingly shout with it?

Live Laugh Love

Live Laugh Love.
I have always considered myself lucky for having what I see as the perfect balance of children.
My oldest child is our intellectual one. He analyzes, debates, and ponders his way through life. He is always thinking, always challenging. He lives large and dreams even bigger.
My youngest child is our joyous one. He lightens our moods, provokes laughter, and provides us with never ending amusement. He has such a happy, imaginative, effortless, and light-hearted approach to life. He brightens even the dullest moments which we are grateful for.
My middle child is the heart of our family. He loves openly and unconditionally, he is patient, he is kind. Simply put, he is a good person and inspires everyone else to be. He is such a treasure and I am so proud of how he demonstrates his true character no matter what the world throws at him.
To the one who reminds me to live, to the one who reminds me to laugh, to the one who reminds me to love....I see it, I get it, I feel it, and I thank you for it.
Sometimes it is not always obvious and we need others to remind us of the things we shouldn't take for granted. I am lucky to have these best three reminders daily.
Live Laugh Love.

Play

Play: verb - engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.

Our friends have an annual open house on New Year's Day. It is something we always look forward to as we know we are always guaranteed a relaxed afternoon catching up with old friends, meeting new ones, and enjoying good food and company all in a welcoming atmosphere while we gently ring in the first day of the New Year. The children play, the adults catch up, the potluck is always delicious and plentiful, and we cherish the tradition of pulling out a word out of a container our host provides to help set us on the right direction for the new year.
My word this year was play. Huh, play, I thought. My friend swears with such sincerity that the container is never wrong, like the words find your fingers...instead of us choosing them, they might actually be choosing us. So, play, I'll play along, what are you trying to tell me?
The word itself might initially conjure up children and not adults. A sort of silly and mindless recreation not really thought of for someone my age. So, do you want me to play more with my children? No, I'm immediately thinking that is not it. This word is entirely for me. I need to play. I need to add some play time into my life. Is that it and what does that mean?
Well, it got me thinking, what can that word mean and how it could apply to something I am lacking to the point where this small piece of paper was drawn to my finger tips?  So, I started my quest to applying this word to my life this year by looking it up (yes, I actually did and the definition is at the top of the page) and the word in the definition that caught my eye was enjoyment. Play is another word centered around enjoyment and not just recreation. Okay, now I might be onto something!
Something that I have been presently aware of lately is that I center so much of time in making life enjoyable for others that I lack seeking happiness for myself, but, what if I cut others out of the equation, and just focus on myself for a little while today? Could I find some of my own happiness if I stopped entertaining others and played by myself today?
Okay, paper, I committed myself to seeking out play today, not knowing exactly how or when it would surface, but, I will clear sometime for myself to find something enjoyable to do.
Then, surprisingly, the house cleared out. One son went off with his grandmother, the other two went down the street to play with a neighborhood kid, and the hubby left to run errands. Very rare for a Saturday, so I quickly jumped on it and said, "Okay, so play Mary, play."
Hmm, how do I start? Well, I fed my belly with some really good ramen today so why not feed my soul I thought as I gathered my props.

On went the Sumatra Coffee in the Keurig, up went my Sam Cooke playlist on my phone, and out came the paint and paint brushes from Christmas.  

The paint easily flowed on the canvas while I sipped my coffee and, half way through the soothing tune of "Bring It On Home To Me",  I had an epiphany and realized how undeniably and blissfully happy I was in that moment. I was thoroughly enjoying this very unusual and long over due break from the norm. I was playing!
Through some dark roast, acrylics, and Sam serenading me, I found my own sweet version of this word called play. This is my word and it did find me and as Sam Cooke would say, "It's been a long,
long time coming but I know change is gonna come." Oh yes, Yes it will, Sam!
So, what if it was your turn to play and feed your soul...What would you do if you had some down time?

Love Not Hate

                    How does love become hate and how do you turn hate back into love again?

The world we live in has become such a strange and volatile world to me. Strange in the sense that we are are seeing such an increase in hate filled rallies that are being passed off as "freedom of speech"  instead of calling them what they are and what they are intended to be.....movements motivated to cause actions and reactions by hate filled people justifying it as their 1st amendment right. Volatile in the sense that exercising said "rights" rarely remain productive or peaceful to the cause they are promoting with violent outcomes almost always expected.
There is a white nationalist speaking in Gainesville today. I have read his background and his platform yet still struggle to understand what his concrete stance is and what he is trying to achieve beyond racism and provocation.
My husband is in law enforcement and he was deployed to Gainesville yesterday to join the increased security in the hopes of deterring violence and maintaining safety. It is certainly not something that I am comfortable with but I have accepted it as part of being married to an officer. Everyday is diverse for him, and, this day will undoubtedly be like no other for him as he dons his riot gear and stands his ground in hopes that he is met with no angst that requires his intervention.
It's always hard to explain to our children the complexities of his job. Law enforcement has taken such an ugly turn and, yet, walking a day in their shoes is not something often considered. He stands there today as an officer in riot gear which is the role he chose but I see a husband, father, and son under that mask that his spectators today won't see. I always try to remain straightforward and honest to our kids as I answer their questions about his job, but, this event is obviously more hard to explain since it is difficult for me to understand how these people, all spouses, parents, and children in their own respect, are there to support or argue events that are motivated by hate.
So, I ask you how does love become hate and how do we turn it back into love again?
#Gatorsnothaters #lovenothate #prayforpeace

He Was Ours

He was ours when he was born. He cried loud yet he was consoled easily and his deep blue eyes almost immediately showed expression. I held him and saw perfection. He was big, bold, and bright and I promised him then as I watched him sleep that I may not always know what I was doing but I would always do my best.
He was ours when the smart, inquisitive, sparkly, and happy toddler emerged before our eyes. His soft brown hair and chubby little toes I just couldn't get enough of. I would rock him every night and sing "You are My Sunshine" and joyfully anticipate it when he always pulled his pacifier out of his mouth to sing the last verse with me.
He was ours when he developed into a handsome young man with a beautiful smile that did well in school and sports. It was a joy to see him proud of himself and knowing he would always be bursting through the door excited to tell us about his day.
He was ours when he learned how to play the saxophone and hit his first home run and noticeably hid his phone out of sight when he was talking about girls.
He was also ours when he started testing the boundaries, caring less about his grades, and his stormy personality gave way to emotional outbursts we had never seen before.
The conversations now revolve around telling us how terrible we are with the same conclusion every time that he hates us and it is painfully hard not to notice that his beautiful smile no longer lookes our way.
The sparkly boy with the deep blue eyes that sang "You are My Sunshine" with me and couldn't wait to tell me about his day was now locked behind a door and forcefully telling us to go away.
Today he is a teenager. Today I am the mother of a teenager. Today I have a label to attach to the behavior leading up to this day.
I quietly tell myself he is still ours as we battle the teen years together, and, as he gets harder to love, I am trying to remind myself to love harder. I can protect my heart, be patient, take deep breaths and still continue to guide him the best I can but I miss him as I fight the urge to touch his soft brown hair and look for that beautiful smile to find me again.
Happy birthday and it's okay if you hate us. Part of me knows you are supposed to and in a weird way it tells me we are doing something right. Just know that I definitely don't always know what I am doing, especially now, but I still look in on you when you are sleeping and promise you I will always do my best.