His Bag of Tools

 

My son, after spending only one semester away at his first college, decided to transfer over winter break to another university in a different state. I immediately flooded myself with frustration. Did he not care or remember how we had spent the last year? The entire time consuming and expensive process it took to get him where he was, to now, being told only four months later, that he wanted to not only leave but to do it all over again! 

Oh the difference, I thought, between parents and teenagers. I was like "what about you applying all over the country to select what you told me was the best school for you, or the airline tickets, shipping boxes, rentals cars, food, hotels, school and dorm supplies it took us to get you there?" He was like "I know myself and what I need to do and this is what I need to do."

Well, he had me there. The fact of the matter is he does know himself. He always has, to the point, where I admit, I am a little envious of how he has ALWAYS known who he is and what he wants to be. Since birth might be an exaggeration, but, if we are born with that ability, well, then, after meeting him, you would believe it too. 

Now, the other part, about how this is what "he needs to do", well, that took a little more convincing. However, that became blatantly obvious too. The school ranking.....literally #1 for his major. Internship possibilities.....yep, better in that department too. Closer to a support system made up of his girlfriend, our close friends, and his mentors, all at an arm's reach vs. being nowhere near anything or anyone familiar to us....yes, add a check mark next to that one too.

So, here we are. Back at again. Airline tickets, hotel, food, dorm and school supplies....you get the picture. After jumping through those same hoops but landing in his new chosen place, we made this transition happen for him.  I was weighing in on how his first week went in his new environment and heard all about how his dorm floor mates have rushed in to welcome him and I couldn't help but notice the excitement in his voice about his classes that I never heard before. It made me happy and I peacefully reminded myself of how he is using his bag of tools. 

I stumbled across this poem last year and it's strange how its words have been dancing around in my head throughout this whole process with him and how much it has helped me put my mind at ease since my initial freak out: 

A Bag of Tools

Isn't it strange

That princes and kings, 

And clowns that caper 

In sawdust rings,

And common people 

Like you and me 

Are builders for eternity?

Each is given a bag of tools,

A shapeless mass,

A book of rules;

And each must make-

Ere life is flown-

A stumbling block

Or a stepping stone.

By R.L. Stine (abt 1890)

We are builders for eternity and every phase is a stumbling block or a stepping stone. My son, thankfully, has never seen the blocks, only the stones. These past four months laid the ground work for this moment by giving him the grades and experience he needed to find the next stone. His shapeless mass has indeed taken shape and, although, he is still forming it, he continues to know which rules to follow and what tool to use in life to get him further in the right direction. 

So, I am butting out, and, instead, encouraging him to keep building and keep using his bag of tools. I look forward to seeing where this university takes him. There are simply no stumbling blocks for him, and I need to use my bag of tools to break through the frustrations of parenting so I can continue to  realize that he is the builder of his eternity, not me. 

image credit: http://clipart-library.com/img/733442.jpg

Un-Resolving for 2023

Not gonna lie. 2022 was a mixed year of highs and lows. The highs were sky-high and the lows were very deeply low.  So, instead of setting myself up for, quite honestly, any more pressure that I really don't need right now, I've decided there will be no resolutions for me for 2023. 

However, in the lovely spirit of change that every fresh and new year brings, I have decided to graciously recognize it in a somewhat unconventional way. Instead of a Happy New Year, I am happily embracing what I learned in 2022 and carrying it forward with me (without resolution) into 2023:

1) Of course, appreciate the ones that have been there for you, but, DEEPLY appreciate those who still check in with you. 

2) That kindness that you show to others...ALWAYS make sure you show it to yourself. 

3) It is possible and completely okay to have fond memories of someone you DON'T miss. 

4) You have done enough for the ungrateful. Dedicate that precious time you waste on them to focus on YOURSELF. 

So, in the new year spirit,  I UNRESOLVE to continue to be deeply appreciative of those who have still remained with me, always show kindness to myself and keep realizing it's not only possible but okay to have fond memories without feeling bad for not missing someone, and most importantly, dedicate time to focus on myself in 2023. 

What do you graciously recognize for or unresolve to be in 2023?

image credit: New year clipart free clipart images - Clipartix

Breathe

                  The poem, Breathe, by Becky Hemsley

She sat at the back and they said she was shy,

She led from the front and they hated her pride,
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance,
They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,

When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,
They told her they'd listen, then covered their ears,
And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,

And she listened to all of it thinking she should,
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,
But one day she asked what was best for herself,
Instead of trying to please everyone else,

So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,
She spoke to the willow, the elm, and the pine,
And she told them what she'd been told time after time,

She told them she felt she was never enough,
She was either too little or far far too much,
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,

Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs,
And she stopped...and she heard what the trees said to her,
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe.

    I have recently found that one of the most important elements in self-healing is making a conscious choice to let go of any unhealthy relationships that have formed and weighed heavily on you and not allowing yourself to regress back to them. Of course, this sounds way easier to do than it actually is but it is so worth it and the rewards of doing it are immense. 

    Personally, I was never taught about or encouraged to have self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and, more so, I never realized how critical it is to find and maintain inner peace. My upbringing was quite sheltered and with the enormous amounts of dysfunction that existed quite steadily my entire childhood, I was always told to hide the trauma or ignore it. In turn, I learned to suppress it and live around it instead of in it. 

     As I got older, I realized that everyone had a role and it was my part to be the one that took care of others. Luckily, it came naturally to me, but, there was no room for my needs or even my feelings, for that matter, when I was done taking care of the rest of them. The more I spoke, the less they listened. However, all along the way, I listened to them. I heard and felt every word. I heard, loud and clear, the constant nit-picking and criticism and I felt, always deeply, that no matter what I did it was never enough. I took, what I thought, was the easy way out and I became and remained the girl they wanted me to be as best as I could. I would pick and choose my battles wisely and be the glue that kept it all together all the while sacrificing bits and pieces of myself along the way. 

    It took longer than it should have to where I am now.....This place of not taking the easy way out anymore, and, instead, evaluating and redefining what is acceptable and what is not. So, why now? Well, quite frankly, it has happened because I let it go too far and allowed myself to get to a horrible point where it had to be done or there was literally going to be nothing left of me. So, here I am. Choosing the hard path to get to self-healing, facing it all head-on, committing to not looking back, only forward, and telling it all here to encourage others to do the same.

    Growing accustomed to toxic patterns in relationships is never a good thing. We know this, but, breaking out of an unhealthy cycle and the discipline it takes to not return to it is hard. The guilt, criticism, and hurtfulness slung at you when you start to advocate for yourself can be suffocating but I promise you can breathe through it and retain control of the progress you are making. Find your clearing, stay as long as you need to, turn off those people, embrace the silence, and just breathe. 

    Empowering myself is foreign to me so beginning this whole journey I am now on of self-awareness and the realization of how my sanity and serenity need to take priority asap, has been difficult. However, clearly explaining the problem, stepping back and out of the relationships for as long as I have needed to, and only opening new conversation that is based on my terms, has been AMAZING! For the first time in my life, I have healthy control over not giving in to the constant pull of enabling that bound me and the purpose of how I can serve others is no longer the whole basis of my relationships with toxic people anymore. 

    It doesn't matter what you have always been told. If age, experience, or common sense hasn't freed you by now, then, please learn to listen to yourself. Realize your worth, say your dreams out loud, and ask what is best for you? Find your forest, hear the wind whisper, listen to the trees, and dance with the leaves. It will tell you "You can do this! You are worth it! But first, just breathe!"

Fir forest Painting Credit:

• Artist: Ivan Shishkin
• Categories: Landscape painting, Tree painting, Forest painting,
• Product Code: ivan shishkin 100

Image link: Fir forest - Shishkin - oil painting reproduction - China Oil Painting Gallery

Happy Almost Fall Y'All

 

"And then the sun took a step back, the leaves lulled themselves to sleep, and Autumn was awaked." Raquel Franco

Oh! It's September! Now we're talking! A big hello to my gorgeous and golden month where I feel like I am  FINALLY getting somewhere! September 1st is my day people. The day when I let my mind start easing into the comforting thought that the relentless heat of Summer will be taking a much-needed break soon. I know, I know.....I live in Florida....too soon, but, it's a mind game with me.  I see the temperatures elsewhere beginning to drop, and I hear the advertisements for all things pumpkin-related beginning, and this sweaty girl starts to perk up. If a Pumpkin Latte and turning the A/C down in September to pretend it's cooler already makes me happy, then don't you dare judge me. Instead, just play along and sweetly say "Happy Almost Fall y'all"  and join me in a happy and healthy dose of some pumpkin-overloaded bliss and the wonderful notion that cooler weather is on its way.  

Is there anyone home?

                          Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?) 

                          Is there anybody in there? 
                          Just nod if you can hear me 
                          Is there anyone home?…

   The blogosphere can be a crowded and, yet, lonely place at times. There are tons of blogs on every topic imaginable but you have to venture outside of your own blog and look around to find them. 

   When I first started blogging 13 years ago, I was automatically drawn to the creativity and freedom to share anything and everything I wanted to. It never really occurred to me that anyone would actually read any of it until someone would pop up on my blog and leave a comment. It fascinated me that not only was I laying down my thoughts but so many others were too and they wanted to talk to me about it. Soon, I started interacting on a regular basis with many other bloggers and it was nice having such constructive conversations with them. 

    However, as the years have gone by, that interaction I had with other bloggers doesn’t happen much anymore. We all shared a passion for writing and there was something always refreshing about connecting with each other’s thoughts, but, the blogs I followed started slowing down until they drifted off completely. 

   While I have continued to write, I do feel that inner longing for interaction and sometimes miss the excitement of seeing a comment posted on one of my entries. 

   I know the blogosphere is still a crowded place with new and fresh bloggers out there. So, it may be time to reach out and connect with a different group but I still hope to see some of the old ones resurface. 

   It leaves me wanting to sing the beginning of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd as I click on blogs I used to follow and see they still haven’t posted anything in years. “Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?) Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?…” 

Maybe one day I’ll get a nod. If not, I hope they are still finding creative outlets. Meanwhile, I am happy that the blogosphere is still mine, even if it feels a little more lonely than crowded at times. 

 

And Another One Bites the Dust

    Like it or not, Florida is drastically changing. Any given morning, when you are sitting on your porch trying to listen to the birds and enjoy your coffee, the overbearing sound of bulldozers crushing mid-century houses to heaps of rubble around you will surely drown the morning bliss you were trying to achieve. Instead, you will hear the booming, beeping, crashing, and thudding that replace the chirping, singing, pecking, and squawking you came outside for. 

    Some will say throwback to 1956 when these Florida homes were built on the same land where orange groves used to stand. Did people get upset about our beloved oranges being destroyed so others could live out their dream of being in beautiful, hot, and sunny Florida all year round? 

    Fast forward to now, where it is not so much about fulfilling a dream of living in a tropical paradise as it is more about an escape to live here for its lower taxes, retirement benefits, and no Covid restrictions. 

    Every day, they come from other states in droves hoping to scoop up one of these little mid-century homes to knock down and build over so they can squeeze themselves into their great escape in their brand new mini-mansions.

    Meanwhile, we little folks who actually live in these undesirable homes placed on their valuable properties, still want to listen to birds and enjoy coffee without having to look at their out-of-town plates slowing driving by and staring at us like hungry vultures. 

    As I sit here this morning painfully listening to another one bite the dust, it makes me sad knowing that another oversized and ugly square box will be squeezed onto yet another lot while that Florida dream that built the now erased mid century home is also being crushed along with it. 

No More; No Less.

    It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore. "Hello Eeyore," said Pooh. "Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a glum sounding voice. “We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay." 

    Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather sad, and alone, and not much fun to be around at all. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is sad, and alone, and not much fun to be around at all, would you now?"

    Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house. Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?" "We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling sad, or alone, or not much fun to be around at all. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are." "Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better. Because Pooh and Piglet were there. No more; no less.

(Story and Photo Credit: A.A. Milne, E.H. Shepard)

    Some days,  I am a fearless warrior. Other days, I am a big hot mess. Most days, I am both. Regardless of the days, though, I am always tackling it, either way or both ways, by myself. I have had Poohs and Piglets before, but, due to many hardships over the years, I have buried myself so deep in my own One Hundred Acre Wood that they would not be able to find me. However, I know they are not looking for me anymore and I know the reason for that. I used to let them sit with me and I used to sit with them when they needed it. But, somehow, I got to the point where my burdens felt like they were too much to share and I retreated. I thought I was doing the right thing. I only wanted to weigh myself down and not them but, by not letting them be there for me, now I know that my actions also inadvertently caused me to not be there for them. 

    Mental health is a strange mixed bag. It’s filled with courage and fear. Confidence and self doubt. Hope and despair. Togetherness and isolation. We all have one, and, yet, we still choose to either show it, share it, hide it, or act like it’s not even there. My mixed bag is hidden in my One Hundred Acre Wood where it will never be found by anyone else but me. It is right next to my stick house where every stick that shelters me represents one heartache or another I have not dealt with properly. It’s a pretty big stick house.  

    I am currently facing another hardship, and, since it involves a loved one, I clearly know I cannot hide in my stick house this time. So, I am doing my very best to put the heartache it is causing me aside, and be the Pooh or Piglet this person needs right now. Although, everyday, I am fighting the urge to retreat back to the wood, make sure my bag is hidden, and add another stick to my house. 

    I realize, through supporting her right now, the importance of helping others to maintain their mental health, and, when you can’t do it alone, you need to let your Poohs and Piglets in to support you. If you can’t totally show or share with them your mixed bag, that’s okay. Just don’t hide it or act like it’s not even there. For now, simply allow them to find you, sit with you, and be there for you. No more, no less, until YOU are ready to knock down your stick house, leave your One Hundred Acre Wood, and take your mixed bag with you.  

 #mentalhealth #mixedbag #stickhouse #I'llsitwithyouandbeyourpoohorpiglet #friendship #fighttheurge #nomorenoless