When the Brakes Are Broken

Overreactions, random anger, fatigue, lack of empathy, impaired judgement, low attention span, impulsive behavior, inappropriate comments, depression.....All symptoms of a frontal lobe brain injury.

Self help groups will tell you these changes are "Not excuses, it's neurology." 

Caregiver support groups will tell you "It's like being stuck in an abusive relationship that you should never make excuses for."

Neither approaches have helped me. 

We have been married for 22 years and I have spent 11 of them navigating our life and relationship through and around his brain injury.

I have never written about it but I feel like it's time for me to share my feelings instead of just thinking them in the hopes that it not only lifts some burdens but encourages someone else going through something similar.

Brain injuries don't just change the person who was injured. It changes every single relationship people have with them. The conversations, connections, the balance. All of it shifts and instead of being able to get closer to them, the injury usually kicks in and propels you further apart. 

The daily overstimulation, mood swings, exhaustion, heightened reactions, and watching the person not being able to control it, feels like watching someone ride a bike when the brakes are broken. The more momentum that is given to the pedals, the bigger the crash will be when it can't stop and comes to its own end. I have spent years trying to fix the brakes. Counseling, medication, hyperbaric oxygen, THC, light therapy....You name it, I have had him try it. Nothing has significantly worked so I have, with guilt, ignored the brakes and tried to just get him off the bike, but, he won't listen and back on the bike he goes.

It's been an unusually rough year on top of several difficult ones. As a result, the marital edges that were already frayed have begun to tear, and, the unusual but pure lack of emotional strength I have to mend them, has made for some long and trying months. 

After a difficult turn of events, carrying the weight of being a one person show, as I usually am, has just been harder. More emotional. More exhausting. More suffocating. There have been so many situations lately where having a loving and supportive spouse help would have been so welcomed. For every opportunity he had, he either did not notice it or chose not to take it. Every time it felt like more weight be added on top of me. Over time, I managed to get through it but I also had to pep talk myself along the way more so than I have ever done. 

And so, I type, this as a reminder to myself that I am alone but not lonely. I am fragile but not broken. I am beaten down but I haven't given up. I am overwhelmed but I am capable.

I am my own self help and support group. 

I think it would have been more helpful if I was told straight from the beginning that, as much as I would love to have someone to scoop me up, cradle, and comfort me on the really hard days, well, harsh as it may seem, that person is gone. 

Luckily, I have always been the one to scoop, cradle and comfort, so, there's that, I guess.....

All joking aside, there is no real preparation or course of action for the emotional, financial, physical, and psychological tolls a brain injury causes. It takes immense resilience and adaptability to get through this as a spouse, and, if there is an upside, it's personal growth I have gotten out of this. I've tested my boundaries and developed new skills, established good routines, learned to prioritize self care, and found odd senses of fulfillment and pride for the way I have stepped up and maneuvered quite well through these years while solely taking care of my husband, children, and myself. If that is the trade off, then, that's okay. 

Ultimately, I think when you allow yourself to realize and accept the brakes are broken, you should just stop trying to fix them and I have finally told myself that's okay too. 

Freedom

A day after I wrote a post about kindness, there is another school shooting at a high school in Colorado and a presumed political assassination at a Utah college of a conservative leader in youth activism. 

As if being bogged down with the magnitude of responsibility I have had to take on and the strong emotions I have over it (another post in itself), I am growingly disgusted with this country and the constant turn of events that continually anger and sadden me. I am sick of being tired, concerned, and  angry over the conduct and actions of the United States. We are broken, and, even scarier, we lack the necessary leadership, concern, and dedication to fix it.

As long as I can remember I have been taught about this country's super power we call freedom. Freedom of speech, religion, the press, and the right to assemble and petition the government in particular. Well, how's that going for you, America?? 

Let's test these freedoms against the cold hard facts of the society we live in right now:

Do you feel like you are allowed to express your ideas and opinions without fear of censorship or punishment? (Charlie Kirk assassination) 

Do you feel comfortable practicing your religion freely? (Children killed at a catholic school mass in Minnesota)

How about freedom of the press? Do your credentials protect your right to cover stories freely? (The Los Angeles Police Department firing projectiles at journalists covering immigration protests)

And last but not least, "the right to assemble and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." Just be aware that the backlash of exercising this right, is to be possibly arrested if you are a student protester and have your own president defund colleges supporting protests, for example. Then, taking it one step further, how about just and fair legal representation for these arrests? You know when the American Bar Association has filed a lawsuit against the U.S. government asserting that "the Trump Administration was intimidating lawyers and law firms who took on clients the president disliked" is not a great start to getting good legal representation for those with disfavored views.

If someone googles the year 2025 in the future, their search is going to be consumed with the Diddy trial, the Epstein files, gun violence, Ice Agents, the National Guard, tariffs, .... I think you get the point.

What you won't find is the word Freedom.

Blame the democrats, the republicans, the liberals, the conservatives, the guns, mental health, religion, sexuality and all the other ways outrage has been expressed and labeled as the reasons we got ourselves into this mess. Here is the main shock that might throw all of the mud slingers right over the edge....despite what your feelings are, all of these people you are blaming have one common factor....They are all AMERICANS and that title comes with the power of them and their beliefs being protected by the Constitution. Your words only perpetuate the problem and actually fuel the fire for more violence. 

When you take away freedom, you take away the heart of America. We should not be categorized as anything but Americans and there is nothing beneficial when we decide to alienate and not support certain Americans by labeling, dismissing, condemning or attacking them for not fitting into what we think is right for this country. We should all be so angry that Americans are attacking other Americans. Until we realize that is the real issue, we will never even begin to find freedom again. 

Be Kind

“The kinder and the more thoughtful a person is, the more kindness he can find in other people. Kindness enriches our life; with kindness mysterious things become clear, difficult things become easy, and dull things become cheerful.” Leo Tolstoy

Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) was a Russian novelist that lived a privileged life, and, yet, felt an emptiness and a loss of faith about humanity and its unfairness towards its social classes. In a yearning to understand its complexities, he found quite the opposite, its simplicity. No matter how hard the peasant farmers worked,  he observed an unwavering strength to fulfill their existences no matter their circumstances. They accepted death because of their profound faith, and they had a sense of freedom he lacked because of the anxieties they escaped by having little to lose. 

Tolstoy further realized that you can't just see society as a whole as it has to be made up of individuals first. Each person has their own vital part to contribute, comparing it to how the human body is made up of trillions of cells. 

Through observing the common bond the peasants had and how it guided the way they treated each other, he realized kindness was the basis of their simple foundation and it guided them to their own form of hope and happiness that he had never seen before among his wealthy and unkind counterparts. 

Fast forward to now, we know through extensive research that kindness is not only beneficial but has the ability to transform the mind, body, and even our relationships when practiced and applied. Seen as an antidote to anxiety and stress, it boosts our mental and physical health by combating feelings of loneliness, reducing cortisol levels, lowering blood pressure, and fostering greater empathy and compassion.

Beyond ourselves, it has the potential to create positive interactions and connections in society too which grows stronger communities by deepening our relationships and encouraging others to do the same. 

Each act of kindness, whether it's donating to charity, volunteering, participating in community events, or even just opening a door for a stranger or giving a compliment, makes a real and significant difference.

As a parent who focused on kindness and who has seen and felt firsthand the many ways it has nurtured our family's lives and relationships, I say let's not just raise nice kids but kind kids. If you lay the foundation, set the example, and provide encouragement and opportunities, you will witness and benefit from the results. When started and practiced early, it is more likely to adhere and continue into adulthood. 

Can you imagine how profoundly different our world would be right now if all of us had kindness prioritized as a principal component in raising children?

The Master of Meatloaf

 I'll never forget my dad, the master of meatloaf with a secret recipe that remains a mystery, and, his iconic pep talks that always ended in an enthusiastic "Go get em, tiger!"

This Father's Day, I celebrate a dad who made every holiday special, stepped up to volunteer when it was only moms, and, showed me and everyone else that age is irrelevant when it comes to raising kids and riding rollercoasters. 

Happy Father's Day

My Moral Compass

 I usually tread lightly these days when it comes to politics. I was raised in an era when I sat with my family around the television and we watched two intelligent and well-qualified opponents respectively debate their differences. People mainly voted to support their stances and handled the outcomes calmly and acceptingly. After all, the greater good of America was built on supporting and defending the constitution and a crucial part of that was respecting the election process and pledging allegiance to its chosen leader. 

When I was able to vote and I have continued to do so all these years, each time I cast my ballot, I feel less confident and more unsure of the direction this country is going in. My decisions have always been driven by educating myself on not only the issues but the candidates and using my moral compass to guide me to the best outcomes I can live with. 

This past election, I didn't question my moral compass but I did ask myself if I was the only one even using them anymore along with a lot of other questions I didn't think I would be asking myself......

Now this is the part that gets sticky with others. 

My main two questions I kept going over and over in my head were how does a man facing three criminal cases and a sentencing over a felony conviction even have the right to run for president? (and I am talking from a moral stand point not a legal one) and when did the price of groceries and securing the border take precedence over addressing school shootings/gun violence and women's reproductive rights?

Before being a republican or a catholic, I will always be a woman and a mother. I have had a miscarriage and a silent miscarriage that required a D&C procedure. I cannot imagine being in a situation where the laws on miscarriage are vague and depends on the state's new abortion laws that may deny care for those who are actively miscarrying. I also have stood paralyzed with fear in a distant parking lot near my son's school waiting for our students to get released in batches after a school threat that turned out to be false but seemed real enough to even fool the cops into barricading the school and sweeping each class with the SWAT team and their guns drawn before releasing our terrified teenagers. Furthermore, this same son was out with his friends one night when a gun was pulled out and used to shoot someone near them. Once again, paralyzed with fear on what the world has become as I rushed in my car to gather terrified teenagers away from the scene. 

It was disappointing to see gun violence not even addressed at the only debate given for this past election and for women's rights to be infiltrated by the government where it doesn't belong. 

So, I had confidently made my decision, going against my party, as I clearly knew my moral compass only led me in one direction. To me and my moral conscience, I was not wrong but had to face the unwanted result and the continuing disdain for how this country's chosen leader will harshly and vindictively chase his issues that are not the ones that concern me the most. However, I accept it respectively because I was raised that way. 

Recently, on Facebook I saw a post where a friend of mine expressed her concern about the elected president and how he does not align with their beliefs and what they want for their children so much so that they were considering moving to another country. One of her Facebook friends chimed in how it was such a poor lesson to uproot her children based on fear.  Her response was that her friend was one of the ones who voted to destroy her kid's future.  Then, another person followed with a personal attack on other parts of my friend's life and how she was not moving, just attention seeking. I bowed out of reading the comments at that point and I'm sure a lot of "unfriending" surely followed. This behavior is exactly why I tread lightly. 

The years of intelligent and respectful debating is over, and, that is, ultimately, the true issue as Americans that we should care the most about. Without respect and being able to see our differences from other perspectives, we are causing further division and extremism, not only in our society but our government and I am pretty sure that is not what our founding fathers wanted when they established our government and gave us our independence. I believe in this country and I will not be unfriending people for not supporting my beliefs and if anyone actually takes the time to reads this, I hope my post encourages you to do the same. Can we at least start there or I should I be dreading to see what the next election looks like after 4 more years of disrespect for each other?

I Choose To Remember.....

 

Feathers by Donna Ashworth

I left you a little white feather

I placed it right there in your way 

I wrapped it in love with a message 

To let you know you'll be okay

I drew you a colourful rainbow

It followed your car for awhile

I made it a beautiful rainbow 

I hoped it would show me your smile

I flew down a beautiful robin

It landed right there on your ledge

I prayed he would give you the strength

To push yourself back from the edge

I try every day to remind you

That I never did go away

The feathers, the rainbows, the robins

Are my way of trying to stay.

On 9/11, 

I choose to remember the lives, not the lives lost. 

I choose to remember the strength and determination the first responders showed.

I choose to remember the unbelievable heroism reported from every location.

I choose to remember the importance of defending and protecting our nation.

I choose to remember the rare spirit of public unity, prayer, and patriotic sentiments that surged.

I choose to remember the sound of the cascading water at the 9/11 memorial that drowns out the outside world and offers a tranquil space to reflect and respect all those affected by that day.

I choose to remember the everyday reminders, the feathers, the rainbows, and the robins that comfort us all and let us know that the other side has still found ways to stay.

The "M" Word

 

                                                       Menopause by Artist, Vi Mosely

The "M" word, menopause. I don't know what the"meno" is but I know all about the pause! There are not many parts of me left that have not been put on pause from this and I'm not sure how to restart any of them. 

For me, it has not been, like everything else, the more common symptoms that you hear all about. Yes, the fatigue, sleep deprivation, hair thinning, and, belly fat, but, have you heard of cold sweats, digestive issues, and contractions?? Yeah, I know, leave it to me to try and stand out from the rest! LOL! Seriously, though, after a weekend of breathing through the pain while my teeth chattered, I've learned the twists and turns of how my body is truly suffering while my estrogen is sadly draining out of me.

My body has carried me through three pregnancies, two miscarriages, and a pulmonary embolism not to mention all the scrapes, cuts, and scars I've put it through. We faced them together, both me and it, telling us both what to do, but, this is different. It is the first time I've felt that we are separated and not communicating the way we usually do. I don't like this disconnect and I need to unpause myself sooner than later.

My usual reaction to everything is to not ask for help, grit my teeth, and push through it but all the self -care I can do on my own like following an inflammation diet, taking supplements, and getting exercise are not going to change the fact that I need my estrogen back, dammit! So, my journey begins with finding a doctor that will work with me and my blood clot history (since my current one will not) to customize some kind of hormone therapy that my body can tolerate and feel better with.  Research has led me to the understanding that gels are safe options for me and I feel knowledgeable enough to discuss and advocate for myself given I can find the right doctor. 

So, I leave you with this. Making jokes about hot flashes or not bringing up the "M" word is not going to cut it. This is way more than what you have been told or what you thought it would be and living in the shadow of your former self is not necessary or even smart for that matter. Don't listen to your mom, aunt, sister, cousin, coworker or friends. This is not their menopause. This is yours. Knowledge is power and yes, those weird symptoms are menopause just as much as the more common ones. The fog won't lift if you don't blow it away. Eat the greens, proteins, and nuts, drink your calcium, and find time to stretch and walk in the sunlight and relax but get to the doctor and be honest. Say the "M" word, menopause, out loud and get your life and vitality back asap. Your body, mind, and soul will thank you for it!

Photo credit: https://pixels.com/featured/menopause-vivian-mosley.html