A Stairway to Heaven.....Or Not

It is hard to understand why a few people survive things that many others do not. Is it from divine intervention, maybe sheer will or how about pure luck? I don't know, but, I have asked myself that question many times in my head and I have never found a real conclusion.

So, when I was told quite sternly by an E.R. doctor four days after my C-Section that "You have a pulmonary embolism and it doesn't look good." I am not quite sure why I am still here, but, I am. I have also come to the conclusion that I believe God, willpower and luck have ALL played a huge part in it......

When I found out that my blood clot was severe enough that I had about a 20% percent chance of making it through the night, well, there are not many positive ways to respond to something like this. I was not expecting such a grim prognosis and I am sure I reacted the same way as most that have ended up in this quite sudden and completely horrifying moment. A tale spin of shock and disbelief, followed quickly by fear and overwhelming panic. Then, outrageous anger, and, finally, profound grief.

However, even in my weakest state, my strength started punching its way through. Despite the unbearable pain, my mind was screaming at me to refuse to accept this. We have all heard the phrase before, but, is there such a thing as mind over matter? I didn't know then, but, I was about to find out.

I tried to unscramble my thoughts and stay focused on all of the less hurtful facts that were, for obvious reasons, being over looked:

Fact #1: I wasn't dead....yet!

Fact# 2: I was in a hospital, a really good hospital, which seemed like the best place to be and they fix things like this....sometimes.

Fact# 3: I had just given birth to a sweet and wonderful baby boy that deserved to have his mother...... There was no way on Earth anyone or anything was going to block me from being in his life! Only four days together? No way in hell was I leaving that child or his brother behind!

Then, I tried to rationalize the situation. I thought about how the most important challenge to combating a potentially fatal blockage is time. They have to be recognized as soon as possible and treated immediately. So, how long has this one been there and how much damage has it already done? I did no justice to myself by spending an entire half a day ignoring the symptoms. It was my fault. I gave it time to fester in my lung and now I was asking the medical staff to jump through a lot of hoops to save me but I was not going to just lay there and do nothing. It had to be a team effort. So, I did the only real things I could do to help. I prayed. I pleaded. I fought.

Despite the annoyance of many tubes running in and out of me, the drunken effect of the strong painkillers, and the constant drip of heparin acting as my toughest soldier in the beginning of, what seemed to be, a long battle, I was starting to feel optimistic. It's weird to say it, but, I did! Something inside of me told me that today was not the right day for me to die. I know it sounds crazy, but, I honestly did not feel like I was at the end of my too short journey through life, and, if there is such a thing as a stairway to heaven, I was determined that those magnificent pearly white steps were not going to appear in my room that night!

Image Credit: Stairway To Heaven - by Jim Warren: http://www.jimwarren.com/