Happy Mother's Day

One of my favorite memories of my greatest joys.

To my sons about motherhood:

 It's the ultimate joy and the aching pain,

The warm sunshine and the cold rain,

The lifting up and the crashing down,

The sweetest smile and the inevitable frown,

The loving more than you thought you could,

The doubting yourself more than you should;

It's the liking and not liking what you see,

the being the person you did and did not think you would be, 

the absolute yes and the very firm no,

the unexpected yet necessary ebb and flow;

It's the long days but short years,

the sometimes confident and the never-ending fears,

the becoming your own but changing so much,

the less time and more rush,

the constant reminders to give it all you got,

the I’m always here with you until I am suddenly not;

It's the saying less hellos and more goodbyes,

the occasional laughs and the late night cries,

the moving on to bigger and better things,

the watching the excitement when freedom rings;

It's the part of our lives that we hold dear,

the joy, the pain, the excitement, the fear,

the name we are given that we proudly display,

the words of endearment we embrace on Mother's Day;

It's the challenging journey we share until the end,

the I love you, I hate you, I am and I am not your friend. 

the I need you more now than I will then,

the but you can count on me to be there no matter when,

the sincerely knowing you will always be my greatest joys,

the because you are forever my precious baby boys. 

Happy Mother's Day! 

No Goodbyes

“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” ― Rumi.

Death

I was one month and three days shy of turning 24 when my father died. I had left the hospital to sleep when he passed. I was with him every step of the way through his cancer battle except that moment. That moment in the early hours of the morning when the cancer creeped in one last time and took him away from me without us being able to say, “goodbye.”

First Crush

I was totally new to this teenager thing and all that was supposed to come with it when I turned 13. I had a complicated childhood that I thought would make me skip over all the silly milestones of these years, with my first crush being one of them. I was sassy, artsy, and too much for any boy of equal age to handle but it happened. The boy that gave me butterflies in my stomach and saw right through me with those mesmerizing eyes I could barely make contact with. It was a parent’s worst nightmare- the long haired, wrong side of the tracks, destined to be a dropout kind of boy. Oh, that first crush feeling was like no other! It wasn’t love or lust but it was amazing how intoxicating and addictive it felt. Plus, my parents hated it! What teenager didn’t love to piss their  parents off anyway?

Goodbyes

For the entire year and a half between my dad’s cancer diagnosis and death, we spent endless hours at doctors’ offices, radiation treatments, and hospitals. He talked about whatever he wanted to talk about and I listened with the conversations getting more serious along the way but how and when we were going to say our goodbyes never surfaced even though it was always present in my mind. I don’t know if it was sheer exhaustion or fear of what was going to happen that led me to leave the hospital before he died, but, not getting to say our goodbyes was a scenario I never imagined and it was something that haunted me for years to come. 

Separation

That wild child that had my full attention and my parents for very different reasons never gave them an opportunity to say, “I told you so!” We spent maybe a summer and not quite a whole school year working to keep the infatuation going but the normal distractions of school and friends eventually separated us as a couple. However, we managed to keep in touch and our encounters of meeting up every now and then lasted for over a decade until he got married and moved away. Every time I saw him, whether it was when we saw each other in traffic, and,  pulled over to catch up, or, we met up for dinner, the word, “goodbye” never came out of my mouth when it was over. I always just simply said, “see you later” before I disappeared. He finally asked me one time why I never said ”bye” back and I told him I didn’t like the sound of it. It sounded like I might not see him again but “see you later” always insinuates there will be a next time. He was my first crush and even though there was nothing romantic anymore between us, he would always be special to me and something that I never wanted to end. He understood. He had that soft spot for me too and also stopped saying “goodbye” and started saying,”see you later!”

Acceptance 

I was never comfortable saying “goodbye” after my father died and my crush taught me that it was perfectly acceptable not to. So, when he left town for good, it made our permanent separation easier. No painful goodbye just a bittersweet see you later. With the ever so popular platforms of the internet and social media being invented since then, we have talked so the “see you later” has been replaced with “talk to you later.” I have accepted, that, although there is no network to connect us to our dearly departed where they can actually communicate back, prayer is a good alternative. Instead of my dad talking and me listening, it is now the other way around.

See You Later

Now that I am much older, I have pondered the thought that I was not meant to be there the night my Dad died because it spared my eyes of capturing a memory that would have drowned me in so much sorrow that my heart and soul could not have survived it. Instead, there is no such thing as separation between us because I didn’t have to say “goodbye.” I am not able to have the conversations I once did or make new memories with him, but, I am now content with talking to him and guessing what he would have said and smiling at those precious memories I hold dear. There is no more cancer or treatments or doctors. Just me and him. Still connecting and not feeling so separated until I do see him again when my time comes and, when it does, there will be no goodbyes but just a “see you later” to my loved ones. 

His Bag of Tools

 

My son, after spending only one semester away at his first college, decided to transfer over winter break to another university in a different state. I immediately flooded myself with frustration. Did he not care or remember how we had spent the last year? The entire time consuming and expensive process it took to get him where he was, to now, being told only four months later, that he wanted to not only leave but to do it all over again! 

Oh the difference, I thought, between parents and teenagers. I was like "what about you applying all over the country to select what you told me was the best school for you, or the airline tickets, shipping boxes, rentals cars, food, hotels, school and dorm supplies it took us to get you there?" He was like "I know myself and what I need to do and this is what I need to do."

Well, he had me there. The fact of the matter is he does know himself. He always has, to the point, where I admit, I am a little envious of how he has ALWAYS known who he is and what he wants to be. Since birth might be an exaggeration, but, if we are born with that ability, well, then, after meeting him, you would believe it too. 

Now, the other part, about how this is what "he needs to do", well, that took a little more convincing. However, that became blatantly obvious too. The school ranking.....literally #1 for his major. Internship possibilities.....yep, better in that department too. Closer to a support system made up of his girlfriend, our close friends, and his mentors, all at an arm's reach vs. being nowhere near anything or anyone familiar to us....yes, add a check mark next to that one too.

So, here we are. Back at again. Airline tickets, hotel, food, dorm and school supplies....you get the picture. After jumping through those same hoops but landing in his new chosen place, we made this transition happen for him.  I was weighing in on how his first week went in his new environment and heard all about how his dorm floor mates have rushed in to welcome him and I couldn't help but notice the excitement in his voice about his classes that I never heard before. It made me happy and I peacefully reminded myself of how he is using his bag of tools. 

I stumbled across this poem last year and it's strange how its words have been dancing around in my head throughout this whole process with him and how much it has helped me put my mind at ease since my initial freak out: 

A Bag of Tools

Isn't it strange

That princes and kings, 

And clowns that caper 

In sawdust rings,

And common people 

Like you and me 

Are builders for eternity?

Each is given a bag of tools,

A shapeless mass,

A book of rules;

And each must make-

Ere life is flown-

A stumbling block

Or a stepping stone.

By R.L. Stine (abt 1890)

We are builders for eternity and every phase is a stumbling block or a stepping stone. My son, thankfully, has never seen the blocks, only the stones. These past four months laid the ground work for this moment by giving him the grades and experience he needed to find the next stone. His shapeless mass has indeed taken shape and, although, he is still forming it, he continues to know which rules to follow and what tool to use in life to get him further in the right direction. 

So, I am butting out, and, instead, encouraging him to keep building and keep using his bag of tools. I look forward to seeing where this university takes him. There are simply no stumbling blocks for him, and I need to use my bag of tools to break through the frustrations of parenting so I can continue to  realize that he is the builder of his eternity, not me. 

image credit: http://clipart-library.com/img/733442.jpg

Un-Resolving for 2023

Not gonna lie. 2022 was a mixed year of highs and lows. The highs were sky-high and the lows were very deeply low.  So, instead of setting myself up for, quite honestly, any more pressure that I really don't need right now, I've decided there will be no resolutions for me for 2023. 

However, in the lovely spirit of change that every fresh and new year brings, I have decided to graciously recognize it in a somewhat unconventional way. Instead of a Happy New Year, I am happily embracing what I learned in 2022 and carrying it forward with me (without resolution) into 2023:

1) Of course, appreciate the ones that have been there for you, but, DEEPLY appreciate those who still check in with you. 

2) That kindness that you show to others...ALWAYS make sure you show it to yourself. 

3) It is possible and completely okay to have fond memories of someone you DON'T miss. 

4) You have done enough for the ungrateful. Dedicate that precious time you waste on them to focus on YOURSELF. 

So, in the new year spirit,  I UNRESOLVE to continue to be deeply appreciative of those who have still remained with me, always show kindness to myself and keep realizing it's not only possible but okay to have fond memories without feeling bad for not missing someone, and most importantly, dedicate time to focus on myself in 2023. 

What do you graciously recognize for or unresolve to be in 2023?

image credit: New year clipart free clipart images - Clipartix

Breathe

                  The poem, Breathe, by Becky Hemsley

She sat at the back and they said she was shy,

She led from the front and they hated her pride,
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance,
They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,

When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,
They told her they'd listen, then covered their ears,
And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,

And she listened to all of it thinking she should,
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,
But one day she asked what was best for herself,
Instead of trying to please everyone else,

So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,
She spoke to the willow, the elm, and the pine,
And she told them what she'd been told time after time,

She told them she felt she was never enough,
She was either too little or far far too much,
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,

Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs,
And she stopped...and she heard what the trees said to her,
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe.

    I have recently found that one of the most important elements in self-healing is making a conscious choice to let go of any unhealthy relationships that have formed and weighed heavily on you and not allowing yourself to regress back to them. Of course, this sounds way easier to do than it actually is but it is so worth it and the rewards of doing it are immense. 

    Personally, I was never taught about or encouraged to have self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and, more so, I never realized how critical it is to find and maintain inner peace. My upbringing was quite sheltered and with the enormous amounts of dysfunction that existed quite steadily my entire childhood, I was always told to hide the trauma or ignore it. In turn, I learned to suppress it and live around it instead of in it. 

     As I got older, I realized that everyone had a role and it was my part to be the one that took care of others. Luckily, it came naturally to me, but, there was no room for my needs or even my feelings, for that matter, when I was done taking care of the rest of them. The more I spoke, the less they listened. However, all along the way, I listened to them. I heard and felt every word. I heard, loud and clear, the constant nit-picking and criticism and I felt, always deeply, that no matter what I did it was never enough. I took, what I thought, was the easy way out and I became and remained the girl they wanted me to be as best as I could. I would pick and choose my battles wisely and be the glue that kept it all together all the while sacrificing bits and pieces of myself along the way. 

    It took longer than it should have to where I am now.....This place of not taking the easy way out anymore, and, instead, evaluating and redefining what is acceptable and what is not. So, why now? Well, quite frankly, it has happened because I let it go too far and allowed myself to get to a horrible point where it had to be done or there was literally going to be nothing left of me. So, here I am. Choosing the hard path to get to self-healing, facing it all head-on, committing to not looking back, only forward, and telling it all here to encourage others to do the same.

    Growing accustomed to toxic patterns in relationships is never a good thing. We know this, but, breaking out of an unhealthy cycle and the discipline it takes to not return to it is hard. The guilt, criticism, and hurtfulness slung at you when you start to advocate for yourself can be suffocating but I promise you can breathe through it and retain control of the progress you are making. Find your clearing, stay as long as you need to, turn off those people, embrace the silence, and just breathe. 

    Empowering myself is foreign to me so beginning this whole journey I am now on of self-awareness and the realization of how my sanity and serenity need to take priority asap, has been difficult. However, clearly explaining the problem, stepping back and out of the relationships for as long as I have needed to, and only opening new conversation that is based on my terms, has been AMAZING! For the first time in my life, I have healthy control over not giving in to the constant pull of enabling that bound me and the purpose of how I can serve others is no longer the whole basis of my relationships with toxic people anymore. 

    It doesn't matter what you have always been told. If age, experience, or common sense hasn't freed you by now, then, please learn to listen to yourself. Realize your worth, say your dreams out loud, and ask what is best for you? Find your forest, hear the wind whisper, listen to the trees, and dance with the leaves. It will tell you "You can do this! You are worth it! But first, just breathe!"

Fir forest Painting Credit:

• Artist: Ivan Shishkin
• Categories: Landscape painting, Tree painting, Forest painting,
• Product Code: ivan shishkin 100

Image link: Fir forest - Shishkin - oil painting reproduction - China Oil Painting Gallery

Happy Almost Fall Y'All

 

"And then the sun took a step back, the leaves lulled themselves to sleep, and Autumn was awaked." Raquel Franco

Oh! It's September! Now we're talking! A big hello to my gorgeous and golden month where I feel like I am  FINALLY getting somewhere! September 1st is my day people. The day when I let my mind start easing into the comforting thought that the relentless heat of Summer will be taking a much-needed break soon. I know, I know.....I live in Florida....too soon, but, it's a mind game with me.  I see the temperatures elsewhere beginning to drop, and I hear the advertisements for all things pumpkin-related beginning, and this sweaty girl starts to perk up. If a Pumpkin Latte and turning the A/C down in September to pretend it's cooler already makes me happy, then don't you dare judge me. Instead, just play along and sweetly say "Happy Almost Fall y'all"  and join me in a happy and healthy dose of some pumpkin-overloaded bliss and the wonderful notion that cooler weather is on its way.  

Is there anyone home?

                          Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?) 

                          Is there anybody in there? 
                          Just nod if you can hear me 
                          Is there anyone home?…

   The blogosphere can be a crowded and, yet, lonely place at times. There are tons of blogs on every topic imaginable but you have to venture outside of your own blog and look around to find them. 

   When I first started blogging 13 years ago, I was automatically drawn to the creativity and freedom to share anything and everything I wanted to. It never really occurred to me that anyone would actually read any of it until someone would pop up on my blog and leave a comment. It fascinated me that not only was I laying down my thoughts but so many others were too and they wanted to talk to me about it. Soon, I started interacting on a regular basis with many other bloggers and it was nice having such constructive conversations with them. 

    However, as the years have gone by, that interaction I had with other bloggers doesn’t happen much anymore. We all shared a passion for writing and there was something always refreshing about connecting with each other’s thoughts, but, the blogs I followed started slowing down until they drifted off completely. 

   While I have continued to write, I do feel that inner longing for interaction and sometimes miss the excitement of seeing a comment posted on one of my entries. 

   I know the blogosphere is still a crowded place with new and fresh bloggers out there. So, it may be time to reach out and connect with a different group but I still hope to see some of the old ones resurface. 

   It leaves me wanting to sing the beginning of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd as I click on blogs I used to follow and see they still haven’t posted anything in years. “Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?) Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?…” 

Maybe one day I’ll get a nod. If not, I hope they are still finding creative outlets. Meanwhile, I am happy that the blogosphere is still mine, even if it feels a little more lonely than crowded at times.