New Year, New Hope

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.......HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I love celebrating the arrival of a new year! It is like cleaning the old and haggard slate off and turning a crisp and clean new leaf! It re-energizes me and fills me full of new hope for what lies ahead.

However, I DO NOT, and, I repeat, DO NOT believe in New Year's resolutions. If you are not living up to your potential or if you have to set goals or change something about yourself, it should not be done as a 'resolution.'

Can't we just celebrate another year without setting (usually) unrealistic expectations for ourselves? Life is challenging enough without adding, what I see as, additional and totally unnecessary pressure.

So, with that said, if I don't already like you, promising to be nicer to others is not going to change my mind. If my weight has not budged in years, promising myself to drop fifty bazillion pounds is not going to happen. Luckily, I don't smoke or have any other serious vices, but, probably quitting cold turkey, I'm guessing, is not a good idea. Especially for others who have to be around you while you fight your urges for a couple of very long and torturous days!

If I have to choose a resolution, for arguments sake, then, let it be this: I promise to continue being myself instead of wasting any time pretending to be something else.

Without resolution, I shall simply remind myself of this as I welcome the new year:Life..It goes by so fast, and, the years, well, they just don't last. So, always live for the future and forget about the past....Happy 2011

Image credit: found on http://www.bing.com/

My Three Sons

It has been a very busy two months since I last wrote on my blog, so, I took a moment to read my last entry. It was written the day before my C - section and I remember all of the hope and fear I was feeling about the birth of my third child. Needless to say, as I sit here typing this, he got here safely and I survived the entire ordeal.
Well, actually, I somewhat hate to admit it, but, 'ordeal' might not be the right word for the experience. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive team of nurses before and after the surgery. They knew of my blood clotting history and went above and beyond to take care of me, physically AND emotionally. To them, it might have been just another day at work, but, to me, it was like having a huge cheering section during a very rough game. So, kudos, to all nurses and the wonderful ones I met that day.
Now, it's time to brag about the baby! A big and beautiful baby boy! He is healthy, happy, and an absolute joy to be around. It was a long and bumpy road getting to this point. There were times I didn't think it was possible and the injections I had to take were painful, but, it proved to be all worth it in the end.

My four year old has taken a little encouragement to pass on the 'little brother' title to our new baby, but, he is (gradually) warming up to having him around.

My six year old, well, two little brothers into it now, considers himself to be a pro at this and I have to agree with him! It is truly heartwarming to see the interest and devotion he has for his new brother.

So, I guess you could say I am very in love with and proud of my THREE sons! They inspire me, exhaust me, amaze me, humble me, and, complete me. I am truly blessed.

You Gotta Have Faith

Definition of Faith: Belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof



As life would have it, mine has taken a twist of fate this week and it has left me in an awkward state of fear and hope. I am going under the knife tomorrow. The doctor has decided, due to my history and the size of this baby, it would be in our best interest to have a C-Section. It was a path I did not want to take, but, at the same time, I have to be sensible about this.
For obvious reasons, this impending surgery has rattled my nerves and there is a part of me that cannot shake the fear of history repeating itself. However, I can still feel that slight glimmer of hope that life cannot be that cruel to me again this time.
Enter faith....I have been encouraged so many times throughout this pregnancy that, to put it simply, "you gotta have faith."
I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic schools, and was taken to mass every Sunday by my devoted mother who strongly believes that you do not question, you just believe. So, the concept of faith is more than familiar to me. I just wish I had my mother's clear cut insight about faith sometimes. It would be easier to be so full of faith that there was no room for doubt.
I think, for the most part, I do believe in the power of faith. I have felt comforted by prayer and I don't like thinking that life is just life, and, it ends as we no longer cease to exist. (Sure, there might not be angels floating on clouds with the soothing sounds of harps in the background when we 'cross over', but, I admit, I would like to feel some kind of eternal peace and be surrounded by loved ones who have passed before me.)
So, come tomorrow, I am leaping into my (more than half hearted) faith that the baby will get here safely and I will make it through the surgery without my body playing potentially fatal tricks on me this time.
With that said, I am looking forward to seeing this little boy who has been so rowdy in my tummy for nine months.....Enjoy your last night of raising hell in there, little guy, and mommy will be there, with open arms, to welcome you as your new adventure, called life, begins.

Image Credit: Little Angels by Santi Raphael

Change is Gonna Come...God, I hope so!

Change is gonna come..... God, I hope So!

It is, finally, August! A month I have been waiting for all summer long!

This summer, my husband and I celebrated another anniversary. In good times and in bad, as the vows go, and, although, it went by without much hoopla, we are still together and that's what truly matters.

Our youngest son turned 4 years old and has quickly learned to ride his bike without training wheels. It took a whole 10 minutes to teach him! Yes, I am bragging about my very coordinated and awesome child! He never ceases to amaze me! He definitely does not get his impressive level of athleticism from me!

My oldest son's summer has been all about his teeth. He finally lost his first tooth after weeks and weeks of wiggling it with much anticipation. The tooth fairy paid its first visit to our house one late summer night and another milestone has been added to his list.

More memories, more days gone by, it always make me question where have all the years gone?

7 years and 20 lbs ago, I can still feel the combination of excitement and anxiousness I felt as I slipped on my beautiful wedding dress to begin this chapter of my life. It was that day, the only day, I have ever allowed myself to let my guard down and be a self indulgent princess. Although, I thoroughly enjoyed, but, do not desire that much indulgence in my everyday life, I quickly began a yearning to feel some sort of excitement and anticipation for something again.....

Then, the babies came along....two incredible boys, two years apart. The midnight feedings, teething, crawling, walking, the exciting and tiring life of parenthood. When one accomplished one thing, the other was not far behind. Oh, how my boys have kept me both entertained and busy over the years.....

These days, however, I have spent more time chasing my tail than my dreams. So, I have come to the conclusion that it may take change to renew my family and remind us of why we do it all in the first place.

That is the point where we are at now as August has swooped in like a breath of fresh air and put an end to a very long, hot and monotonous summer.

My youngest is following in his older brother's footsteps and starting his turn at preschool, and, so, his scholastic journey is about to begin. His adorable Diego backpack is purchased, his new sneakers have no idea the workout they are about to endure and the pleasure of watching him smile as he tells his brother he is a "big boy now just like him" makes my heart soar.

My frustrated husband is taking the proverbial 'leap of faith' at work as he has decided to make his life a little more complicated in an effort to move us out of our financial rut. He is returning to school to crossover into another line in his department. His pay will be temporarily cut while he finishes his training, but, his new position will allow him to access more opportunities, which will, hopefully, in a short amount of time, compensate us financially. I respect him for shaking things up and taking risks in the hopes of getting ahead. How many times in our own lives do we suppress our dreams or opportunities in fear of failure?

As for me, I am waddling (literally) straight into my third and final trimester. I admit it, it has been a long, hot summer and it has been physically challenging trying to entertain my very busy and rambunctious boys. I am, unselfishly, looking forward to some much need 'me' time when the boys are in school. I know it will be short lived, as the baby is due in less than three months, but, I will take it and love every minute of it, no matter how long it lasts.

So, change is gonna come and our lives are going in a different direction once again. This excitement and anticipation I am feeling for my family is just what this worn out and worn down lady needed.

Six Down, Three To Go

Six down, three to go......in terms of months that I have carried this child and what I have left until his arrival.

I had my 24 week check up yesterday, and, for some reason, the severity of my situation started sneaking up on me again. The baby is fine. More than fine. He is growing on target, his heart rate is strong and he is moving around all of the time. Me, however, well, I am starting to crumble a little.

Blame it on hormones, or, that I may not be as brave as I thought I was, but, the impending birth has gotten me a little unraveled and I am not comfortable letting my demons get the best of me, especially now.

I unfairly told my doctor that, "I need to get through this without any complications this time."

Okay, yes, he is NOT God, and, ultimately, can only do what he has been trained to do, but, it was my way of admitting aloud that my past bad experience with blood clots has put fears in me that I never had before.

My doctor knows me well and is literally one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met, so, as expected, he did his best to reassure me that he is doing everything possible to get me and the baby through this safely.

I left his office reluctantly believing him after his somewhat necessary pep talk, but, I still felt a little uneasy for the rest of the day.

I woke up this morning with a little better outlook on the situation and read something that couldn't have come at a better time.... The Greek Philosopher, Aristotle, believed that "Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil." Hmmm, he may be on to something!

These unsettling emotions I have been feeling has prompted me to ask myself why I am still allowing myself to remain a victim to a painful event of my past? Even more so, why am I letting it distract me from the joy I should be feeling right now about meeting my new son?

So, I have decided that this may FINALLY be my opportunity to free myself of this fear that I have been suppressing for years! I need to GO through this and I need to GET through this to prove to myself that I can have happy endings again.

My final thought that I must keep reminding myself for the next three months is that my blood clot MAY have weakened my courage but it has NOT destroyed my faith!

What demons, if any, are you hiding today?

And Baby Makes Three......

So, what do you do when you are already in financial and emotional distress? That's right! Have another baby! Yes, I am pregnant with baby boy #3 (no official name yet) and, although, I realize it might not be the ideal time for this, given our situation, I am quick to remind myself that children are a blessing. So, it is what it is and I am ready to embrace another member of our growing family......

When the test turned positive and the harsh reality set in that our family would be growing one more and FINAL time, I admit, I panicked. There was a little uneasiness about going through the whole process again because of my blood clot history, but, the main source of my distress was the very common reaction of "oh my god, how are we going to afford this!?!" I tried to fall back on the old adage that "if you wait til you can afford to have children, you never will" but it didn't work this time. I was not unemployed or already emotionally run down the last two times. My body was younger and more forgiving then. I was not scarred emotionally or physically by such a post surgery nightmare. I was, clearly, a different person, during my last two pregnancies.

However, I have decided to not drag this baby down by my fears or worries. It is blissfully and innocently floating around in a bubble of amniotic fluid and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize its sweet little world.

I have had to endure Lovenox injections in my belly daily to help with the risk of another blood clot. So far, a small price to pay for the wonderful life growing inside me. I distract myself with memories of my other children when they were little and how much they have brought into my life over the years.

I have no doubt that this child will be adored just as much as his brothers, and, I know the fear, the injections, and the impending surgery will be forgotten when I get to see his little face and hold him for the first time.

I am feeling cautiously optimistic that, soon, I will be able to tell myself that I have worried for no reason and I am truly looking forward to the joy and hope a new baby brings into your life.

Now, if I could just think of a name for you!! :)

Humble Pie, the Cavalry, and Hope

So, it's time for me to start sharing some confessions and observations about being unemployed for the past two years:

First and foremost, I had to get over the stigma of being unemployed that I have formed over my adult life:

I am not ignorant, nor lazy; I do not see it as collecting easy money off the government while I sit home and do nothing. Granted, because the number is so high now and the efforts it takes to find a job are so much more difficult, I don't think admitting unemployment tarnishes ones reputation like it once did. However, I still had to swallow a hefty dose of humble pie in admitting that I have fallen into the grasps of losing a job that has been impossible to replace. The humiliation is definitely not as strong as it once was, but, I don't think my pride or bloodline will totally allow me to shed myself of all the embarrassment I have felt over admitting that I am stuck in this awful situation.

Secondly, if you are waiting for the cavalry to come swooping in and save you from the battles you are facing, well, you are going to be waiting a long time!

I, ignorantly admit, that I thought my period of unemployment was going to be short. I had worked for 8 years in the construction industry building a name and reputation for myself. I had become a trusted office contact for many subcontractors, many coworkers had left and moved on to other companies that were still in operation, and I was sure someone would call with their condolences and offer me a job right away. The phone never rang....Not even once. I felt betrayed, even a little angry, that no one had offered to help me. In reality, it was and still is a dog eat dog world. People were lucky to still have the jobs they had and there were no extras to throw around. Ultimately, I had to be prepared to help myself and not depend on anyone else to get me out of this.


Hope for America? Well, I was not so sure, but, the platform he was selling sure sounded good.

I openly admit I did not vote for Obama. There, I said it! My decision had nothing to do with his political party or the color of his skin. I simply did not know enough about the man and did not feel like he had enough work experience to take on the task of leading AND fixing our nation.

So, we are almost two years into his presidency and where are we now?
I have seen the government bailout the banks but I am still waiting for my own personal bail out. (which I guess goes back to helping yourself!)
He signed a $787 billion stimulus package to "set our economy on a firmer foundation," yet, this American soil I am standing on still feels pretty unstable these days.
He did help me with getting my unemployment benefits extended...for a little while. However, I have reached the end of receiving benefits and have not found any other assistance or instruction beyond this point.
This is, in no way shape or form, meant to create or stir up a political debate, but, if there is real progress or aid as a result from the Obama administration taking over, it has not trickled down to me and many others I know. So, hope for America, I would love to see it, but, I haven't seen it yet.


However, I will say that the condition of our economy and the issues that led up to it, were not easy for anyone voted into office to overcome, and, it did not happen overnight. Therefore, it will not be solved quickly either. I just hope I still have a roof over my head by the time this is over.....



Image Credits: All images were found on http://www.bing.com/ Note: The Obama "Hope" poster was created by artist, Shepard Fairey.