“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” ― Rumi.
Death
I was one month and three days shy of turning 24 when my father died. I had left the hospital to sleep when he passed. I was with him every step of the way through his cancer battle except that moment. That moment in the early hours of the morning when the cancer creeped in one last time and took him away from me without us being able to say, “goodbye.”
First Crush
I was totally new to this teenager thing and all that was supposed to come with it when I turned 13. I had a complicated childhood that I thought would make me skip over all the silly milestones of these years, with my first crush being one of them. I was sassy, artsy, and too much for any boy of equal age to handle but it happened. The boy that gave me butterflies in my stomach and saw right through me with those mesmerizing eyes I could barely make contact with. It was a parent’s worst nightmare- the long haired, wrong side of the tracks, destined to be a dropout kind of boy. Oh, that first crush feeling was like no other! It wasn’t love or lust but it was amazing how intoxicating and addictive it felt. Plus, my parents hated it! What teenager didn’t love to piss their parents off anyway?
Goodbyes
For the entire year and a half between my dad’s cancer diagnosis and death, we spent endless hours at doctors’ offices, radiation treatments, and hospitals. He talked about whatever he wanted to talk about and I listened with the conversations getting more serious along the way but how and when we were going to say our goodbyes never surfaced even though it was always present in my mind. I don’t know if it was sheer exhaustion or fear of what was going to happen that led me to leave the hospital before he died, but, not getting to say our goodbyes was a scenario I never imagined and it was something that haunted me for years to come.
Separation
That wild child that had my full attention and my parents for very different reasons never gave them an opportunity to say, “I told you so!” We spent maybe a summer and not quite a whole school year working to keep the infatuation going but the normal distractions of school and friends eventually separated us as a couple. However, we managed to keep in touch and our encounters of meeting up every now and then lasted for over a decade until he got married and moved away. Every time I saw him, whether it was when we saw each other in traffic, and, pulled over to catch up, or, we met up for dinner, the word, “goodbye” never came out of my mouth when it was over. I always just simply said, “see you later” before I disappeared. He finally asked me one time why I never said ”bye” back and I told him I didn’t like the sound of it. It sounded like I might not see him again but “see you later” always insinuates there will be a next time. He was my first crush and even though there was nothing romantic anymore between us, he would always be special to me and something that I never wanted to end. He understood. He had that soft spot for me too and also stopped saying “goodbye” and started saying,”see you later!”
Acceptance
I was never comfortable saying “goodbye” after my father died and my crush taught me that it was perfectly acceptable not to. So, when he left town for good, it made our permanent separation easier. No painful goodbye just a bittersweet see you later. With the ever so popular platforms of the internet and social media being invented since then, we have talked so the “see you later” has been replaced with “talk to you later.” I have accepted, that, although there is no network to connect us to our dearly departed where they can actually communicate back, prayer is a good alternative. Instead of my dad talking and me listening, it is now the other way around.
See You Later
Now that I am much older, I have pondered the thought that I was not meant to be there the night my Dad died because it spared my eyes of capturing a memory that would have drowned me in so much sorrow that my heart and soul could not have survived it. Instead, there is no such thing as separation between us because I didn’t have to say “goodbye.” I am not able to have the conversations I once did or make new memories with him, but, I am now content with talking to him and guessing what he would have said and smiling at those precious memories I hold dear. There is no more cancer or treatments or doctors. Just me and him. Still connecting and not feeling so separated until I do see him again when my time comes and, when it does, there will be no goodbyes but just a “see you later” to my loved ones.
