The Dash - 2024 Edition

 As 2024 approaches, it’s time for me to put  my intentions out there and to use this post to inspire me to keep them throughout the year. 

I’m using The Dash by Linda Ellis as my foundation for my approach and adding this to it: I would like my life’s actions of 2024 that will be rehashed through my dash to be filled with reminders of gratitude and reflecting on where my many but often ignored intuitive hunches took me as I am concentrating on delving into them as they present themselves without question and actually seeing where they go for my biggest change this year. 

Read the poem and tell me what stands out to you and how you plan on filling your dash this upcoming year. 

The Dash by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own --
the cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more,
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
with your life's actions to rehash,
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

A "Hmm" Moment

Think

POSITIVE

   Today, I was talking to a family member I find rather judgmental, and I decided to shift the conversation and propose a new topic about positive attributes. When asked, not what their most positive one was, but, our immediate family, it was interesting to see how trying and uncomfortable it was to say something nice and not rebound back to the negativity. Each time it shifted; I redirected the request back to just summing it up into one positive attribute about each person we were discussing. The words that finally surfaced were perseverant, resilient, curious, and patient. Then, I pondered using those words to focus on rather than shifting back to the less flattering ones I hear more often.

    Two take aways I had from this. For me, it doesn't feel good to concentrate more on the negatives than the positives in relationships. It changes the mood, functionality, and overall quality and benefit of even having it at all. However, when it comes to family, it's different and way more complicated. I have been stuck in bad relationships and felt overwhelmed to muster up the energy and discipline to either change or exit them all together.  The severity of the disfunction and the wisdom I have picked up along the way on how to properly handle it, though, has, mostly likely, either distanced or removed me from most of them all together. So, when talking to someone at a different place in life about worthy relationships that need a little mending, a positive shift in the words we use and how we feel about them is a perfect way to start introducing some thoughts that will hopefully grow and prosper.

    Secondly, I found hearing how someone else sees you, especially in a family role, summed up into the most prominant word that first comes to mind is both surprising and enlightening. Not in a bad way at all. More like a "hmm" moment. I don't think we ask ourselves or people how they perceive us enough and there is definitely some food for thought in that conversation. Furthermore, having someone see an attribute in you that you didn't think of or realize should only add to your self-worth so never take away something negative from it. 

    Those lil nuggets of knowledge shared with you should make you feel good when offered and don't disagree with them or question them. Then, maybe being focused and appreciative will be some future attributes shared with you!

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Happy heavenly birthday to the man who taught me how to love, that the right way is not always the easiest way, to be kind and stay humble, that patience, respect, common sense, and believing in yourself is always a good start, and that laughter (and ice cream) is truly the best medicine. 

Miss you every day, Dad, and I hope there is ice cream in heaven! Two scoops with chocolate syrup. Love you. 

Thanks for Being a “Why” This Year

I wanted to share a special moment my son had with one of his teachers yesterday.  

He and a small group of other students were pulled out of class for a surprise recognition and treat for being standouts to one of their teachers this year. 

His teacher wrote them all individual letters and read them out loud about how and why they all stood out to him this year. 

My son’s letter was so heartfelt as his teacher detailed his best attributes and examples of him being the “epitome of a role model” but it was his teacher’s words at the end that really choked me up. 

He said, “Thanks for being a ‘why’ for me this year. You were definitely a major reason ‘why’ I loved my job this year, ‘why’ I wanted to come to work, ‘why’ I wanted to do my best for all of you this year! I wish you all the best as you continue your educational journey next year and, in the years to come. I know you will be the reason many teachers are inspired to come to work to be the best they can!” 

Wow! Just wow! Besides the incredible act of expressing his observations and gratitude for them in such a beautiful way, there was something so profound about being told your child is inspiring him in his career. 

My son was beaming last night because he has so much of his own gratitude and praise for this teacher. So, to be recognized by him in such an amazing way is something that he will never forget and I know it will continue to inspire him to always be the best he can be.  

While teaching has faced so many challenges in the last few years, you all still manage to create classrooms full of learning, creativity, enthusiasm, kindness, encouragement, and most of all, inspiration and my son has absorbed it all and thrived this year and every year academically and personally because of it. 

Thank you teachers for choosing this admirable profession and while you are all so good at telling our children their importance, please know your importance to them and me as well. 

Happy Mother's Day

One of my favorite memories of my greatest joys.

To my sons about motherhood:

 It's the ultimate joy and the aching pain,

The warm sunshine and the cold rain,

The lifting up and the crashing down,

The sweetest smile and the inevitable frown,

The loving more than you thought you could,

The doubting yourself more than you should;

It's the liking and not liking what you see,

the being the person you did and did not think you would be, 

the absolute yes and the very firm no,

the unexpected yet necessary ebb and flow;

It's the long days but short years,

the sometimes confident and the never-ending fears,

the becoming your own but changing so much,

the less time and more rush,

the constant reminders to give it all you got,

the I’m always here with you until I am suddenly not;

It's the saying less hellos and more goodbyes,

the occasional laughs and the late night cries,

the moving on to bigger and better things,

the watching the excitement when freedom rings;

It's the part of our lives that we hold dear,

the joy, the pain, the excitement, the fear,

the name we are given that we proudly display,

the words of endearment we embrace on Mother's Day;

It's the challenging journey we share until the end,

the I love you, I hate you, I am and I am not your friend. 

the I need you more now than I will then,

the but you can count on me to be there no matter when,

the sincerely knowing you will always be my greatest joys,

the because you are forever my precious baby boys. 

Happy Mother's Day! 

No Goodbyes

“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” ― Rumi.

Death

I was one month and three days shy of turning 24 when my father died. I had left the hospital to sleep when he passed. I was with him every step of the way through his cancer battle except that moment. That moment in the early hours of the morning when the cancer creeped in one last time and took him away from me without us being able to say, “goodbye.”

First Crush

I was totally new to this teenager thing and all that was supposed to come with it when I turned 13. I had a complicated childhood that I thought would make me skip over all the silly milestones of these years, with my first crush being one of them. I was sassy, artsy, and too much for any boy of equal age to handle but it happened. The boy that gave me butterflies in my stomach and saw right through me with those mesmerizing eyes I could barely make contact with. It was a parent’s worst nightmare- the long haired, wrong side of the tracks, destined to be a dropout kind of boy. Oh, that first crush feeling was like no other! It wasn’t love or lust but it was amazing how intoxicating and addictive it felt. Plus, my parents hated it! What teenager didn’t love to piss their  parents off anyway?

Goodbyes

For the entire year and a half between my dad’s cancer diagnosis and death, we spent endless hours at doctors’ offices, radiation treatments, and hospitals. He talked about whatever he wanted to talk about and I listened with the conversations getting more serious along the way but how and when we were going to say our goodbyes never surfaced even though it was always present in my mind. I don’t know if it was sheer exhaustion or fear of what was going to happen that led me to leave the hospital before he died, but, not getting to say our goodbyes was a scenario I never imagined and it was something that haunted me for years to come. 

Separation

That wild child that had my full attention and my parents for very different reasons never gave them an opportunity to say, “I told you so!” We spent maybe a summer and not quite a whole school year working to keep the infatuation going but the normal distractions of school and friends eventually separated us as a couple. However, we managed to keep in touch and our encounters of meeting up every now and then lasted for over a decade until he got married and moved away. Every time I saw him, whether it was when we saw each other in traffic, and,  pulled over to catch up, or, we met up for dinner, the word, “goodbye” never came out of my mouth when it was over. I always just simply said, “see you later” before I disappeared. He finally asked me one time why I never said ”bye” back and I told him I didn’t like the sound of it. It sounded like I might not see him again but “see you later” always insinuates there will be a next time. He was my first crush and even though there was nothing romantic anymore between us, he would always be special to me and something that I never wanted to end. He understood. He had that soft spot for me too and also stopped saying “goodbye” and started saying,”see you later!”

Acceptance 

I was never comfortable saying “goodbye” after my father died and my crush taught me that it was perfectly acceptable not to. So, when he left town for good, it made our permanent separation easier. No painful goodbye just a bittersweet see you later. With the ever so popular platforms of the internet and social media being invented since then, we have talked so the “see you later” has been replaced with “talk to you later.” I have accepted, that, although there is no network to connect us to our dearly departed where they can actually communicate back, prayer is a good alternative. Instead of my dad talking and me listening, it is now the other way around.

See You Later

Now that I am much older, I have pondered the thought that I was not meant to be there the night my Dad died because it spared my eyes of capturing a memory that would have drowned me in so much sorrow that my heart and soul could not have survived it. Instead, there is no such thing as separation between us because I didn’t have to say “goodbye.” I am not able to have the conversations I once did or make new memories with him, but, I am now content with talking to him and guessing what he would have said and smiling at those precious memories I hold dear. There is no more cancer or treatments or doctors. Just me and him. Still connecting and not feeling so separated until I do see him again when my time comes and, when it does, there will be no goodbyes but just a “see you later” to my loved ones. 

His Bag of Tools

 

My son, after spending only one semester away at his first college, decided to transfer over winter break to another university in a different state. I immediately flooded myself with frustration. Did he not care or remember how we had spent the last year? The entire time consuming and expensive process it took to get him where he was, to now, being told only four months later, that he wanted to not only leave but to do it all over again! 

Oh the difference, I thought, between parents and teenagers. I was like "what about you applying all over the country to select what you told me was the best school for you, or the airline tickets, shipping boxes, rentals cars, food, hotels, school and dorm supplies it took us to get you there?" He was like "I know myself and what I need to do and this is what I need to do."

Well, he had me there. The fact of the matter is he does know himself. He always has, to the point, where I admit, I am a little envious of how he has ALWAYS known who he is and what he wants to be. Since birth might be an exaggeration, but, if we are born with that ability, well, then, after meeting him, you would believe it too. 

Now, the other part, about how this is what "he needs to do", well, that took a little more convincing. However, that became blatantly obvious too. The school ranking.....literally #1 for his major. Internship possibilities.....yep, better in that department too. Closer to a support system made up of his girlfriend, our close friends, and his mentors, all at an arm's reach vs. being nowhere near anything or anyone familiar to us....yes, add a check mark next to that one too.

So, here we are. Back at again. Airline tickets, hotel, food, dorm and school supplies....you get the picture. After jumping through those same hoops but landing in his new chosen place, we made this transition happen for him.  I was weighing in on how his first week went in his new environment and heard all about how his dorm floor mates have rushed in to welcome him and I couldn't help but notice the excitement in his voice about his classes that I never heard before. It made me happy and I peacefully reminded myself of how he is using his bag of tools. 

I stumbled across this poem last year and it's strange how its words have been dancing around in my head throughout this whole process with him and how much it has helped me put my mind at ease since my initial freak out: 

A Bag of Tools

Isn't it strange

That princes and kings, 

And clowns that caper 

In sawdust rings,

And common people 

Like you and me 

Are builders for eternity?

Each is given a bag of tools,

A shapeless mass,

A book of rules;

And each must make-

Ere life is flown-

A stumbling block

Or a stepping stone.

By R.L. Stine (abt 1890)

We are builders for eternity and every phase is a stumbling block or a stepping stone. My son, thankfully, has never seen the blocks, only the stones. These past four months laid the ground work for this moment by giving him the grades and experience he needed to find the next stone. His shapeless mass has indeed taken shape and, although, he is still forming it, he continues to know which rules to follow and what tool to use in life to get him further in the right direction. 

So, I am butting out, and, instead, encouraging him to keep building and keep using his bag of tools. I look forward to seeing where this university takes him. There are simply no stumbling blocks for him, and I need to use my bag of tools to break through the frustrations of parenting so I can continue to  realize that he is the builder of his eternity, not me. 

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